Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The child I never had

About this time three years ago I was told after three Dr, positive pregnancy test that I was no longer pregnant. Although it was only considered a chemical pregnancy it hit me like a bag of bricks and to this day I am not over it. When it pops up in my mind I am still very much hurt. For two weeks that pregnancy was celebrated. My family is just now really finding out about this. I couldn’t talk about before. It hurt, who am I kidding? It still hurts. I find it slipping into to conversations. Like the ones where you share how you told your husband. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was hot and I was outside since I was over at Mark’s parents house, I didn’t want anyone to hear our little secret. There was joy in Mark’s voice. Over the next two weeks there was much excitement, I smiled at every chance just knowing that after a year and half my child was finally coming home and would be there in just 8months. I register for the week by week websites and read all I could about the baby in my womb. For two weeks there was joy.

It’s funny, as much as I remember that first day I found out the day that haunts me is the day I found I wasn’t. I remember the cheerfulness in my doctors voice and he soccer punched me in the gut with one little sentence. “Congratulations! You are not pregnant” my without finding my voice just breathing faster and harder on the other end. The doctor still with a cheerful voice, “it was probably a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage; call me when you are pregnant” It’s funny to me how when I picked up the phone with so much joy I hung it up with so much sorrow and sadness. I called my hubby and I couldn’t get the words out. Somehow he understood. We went out to lunch together and held hands, looked at each other without our joy we had had for two weeks. I went home and cried. Then I picked myself up.

Once a year though I remember our joy and our heart ache. I wonder as the years have passed on why can’t I think about this lost without tearing up? Why do I allow it to haunt me? I wish I had the answer. I feel as though I missing a child. That when we sit down to eat; a chair that should be filled isn’t. I feel as though I must keep fighting for that joy, I felt for those two weeks. Then I realize how messed up I am. Why am I grieving this? Many have gone through a lot worse and seem to have it all together? I can’t hide that facts that in my private moments I wonder, I cry , I have love, I have pain for the child I never had.

Quote of the day:

“As I contemplate all that you face in the world today, one word comes to my mind. It describes an attribute needed by all of us but one which you—at this time of your life and in this world–will need particularly. That attribute is courage."

Thomas S. Monson, May You Have Courage, Ensign, May 2009, 124


Tami said...

I can understand your feelings...I just went through my first loss, and it still pops in my mind all the time. And it still makes me mad. I think about 1 and half months that we are were happy, but I also replay the ultrasound in my mind that told us the baby was gone...its hard, and devestating. Its hard. My heart goes out to you. Hugs!

Jennifer McLean said...

I'm Jenn, following you back from follow fridays or share fridays, one of those, lol.
I've read through a bunch of posts and have so much to say!! First, I'm so sorry about the loss you still feel. I think it's normal and healthy to feel just as you do. The baby that never happened got into your heart. You love him/her, even if they were just here 2 weeks. That has meaning. I believe that child, that soul is part of your soul group, like your "people" in heaven. Hopefully you'll be successful in conceiving and that soul will come here to learn what it needs to. If not, that soul is still up there, knowing you'll be back in heaven some day to meet again.
I believe we forget who we know when we come here but everyone important to us up there remembers. I'm sure that soul who knows you wouldn't want you to hurt so much. THey'd hurt because you hurt.

On to less deep things... I can TOTALLY see weight loss in those pictures! I'm not surprised to hear you gave up sugar, it shows in your pictures. You've lost belly fat and gained definition in your shoulders and waist and arms. You look great!! Now, just show me how you did that!!! Yep, struggling overweight person here. *Jenn raises hand and waives* hehehe.
Oh, tip for making steel cut oatmeal taste totally amazing!! If you can have peanut butter, just add like less than a teaspoon to hot cooked oats. And Ohhh, that banana on top would be HEAVEN. :o)
Nice to meet you,
(PS. Do you need another blog friend, I'm volunteering! *Jenn raises hand again.* :o)