Thursday, December 11, 2008

Story time.....

After a very sweet email I received this morning; I deiced that it it time, that I share with the world me story, of how I arrived to where I am now. It all started two years ago in July, when Mark and I deiced it was time, I so happened to go to the DR for my annual, ( isn't that the best?) I informed him that I was trying to conceive (ttc) his answer to me was call me when you get pregnant. Will I had to see him several times over 18months for I have a history of cyst on my ovaries and since they tend to hurt we would check the size, and make sure I was not having a ectopic pregnancy stuff like that. After about a year of continuously seeing my doctor I was up for my regular apt. at which time he asked if I wanted a hpt test I said yes knowing I was not pregnant since by this time I was test addicted. (Yes I would stalk up and test once a week) Will to my surprise the doctor came back and told me I was Pregnant. I shot up and said are you sure? The nurse assured me and told me she even tested me twice. So as you can guess I was over joyed! I told Mark and we just beamed as a family would. Will I went to get my blood drawn, and the next day I got a phone call.
Dr. X: Mrs Johnson?
Me: Yes
Dr. X : How are you doing?
Me: Great!
Dr X: I have some great news, your NOT pregnant!
Me: What?
Dr X: We thought you would be excited to know you are not pregnant.
Me: But we have been trying for over a year, how is this great?
Dr X: hmm, will you are young call me when you get that positive
Me: Are you sure there is nothing wrong with me, ( I have been asking this for a year now)
Dr X: No no its probably just chemicals you will get pregnant.
Me: oh will thank you
DrX: Have a great day, bye

WHAT THE HECK! Will after this conversation, a second look (at another DR'S where I didn't feel comfortable at all) and then going back only to be reassured nothing is wrong, I went to another Dr, who specializes in fertility. This is the best experience I could have ever done! The doctor listened to me, and all my symptoms, and then he not a tech did an ultra sound. He discovered a few things that blood test later confirmed, I have PCOS and I have not ovulated in two years. After that drs appointment I was angry at two people, the other Doc and me. The evidence was all there, why couldn't he see it? and I knew something was wrong why did I wait? I don't blame my old doctor, he just wasn't there in his knowledge. He is a very good doctor he just wasn't up for the challenge. I also can't blame myself, I was in denial. I mean I have a 3yr old that got here with a blink. Plus I wasn't ready to go through what I am going through now.
Isn't timing an amazing thing? It took an experience that I must say made me a bit stronger, and gave me an important lesson, which is I know my body better then anyone. I know when something is wrong, and if I am confused all I have to do is hit my knees and confirm it. That's it! It may have took me a while but I think and pray I got it! We are now moving forward, how exciting is that? Through all the little road blocks, there is a plan, and a goal. I am moving, sometimes the plan has changed but I am getting there. Let me ask you, doesn't it just feel nice to move towards something? For me it always hurt more when I was standing still. I suppose it is like that in all aspects of life.
Will thanks for listening to me ramble!
I love your comments and emails! If you have any questions or just wanna chat feel free!
Love to you all

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It has been one of those days!

Well the hormones I think has gone to my brain since my emotions have been all over!
My mom made the comment of, its kinda like you pregnant. Haha, I wish! At least at the end of that I would have a real baby! At the end of this, I will only have a chance. That's where my determination has come in. There is a chance, and with that there is faith.
So many thoughts have run in my head lately it is so hard to keep track! Ohhh and I forgot I am having the weirdest dreams is anyone else with me on this? The other night I had a dream that I was on the Today show! Yes little ole me, you would never guess what the title was....( I will give you some time to get creative) that's not it,...... not that either....... Ok since you twisted my arm I will tell you, Women gives Birth to Litter! Oh my what would we do then?
I have thought about this, actually alot. What if there is more then one? I mean there are these risks. I found a forum (and Amber if you read this, don't hard) where women order fertility drugs over the Internet just so they could have twins! ( Amber I know that you are laughing, but I swear I saw it and it is true) Ok, now this is extreme and I would never ever recommend doing this. I believe that these drugs are here to help us, who are not all healthy in the reproductive area. I could never imagine undergoing fertility if I was healthy. Now I am not criticizing these women, it is just hard for me to fathom why? I have a hard time on my own, so I am in a different place. I just think if it ain't broke why fix it?
The reason I added my dearest friend Amber is because she has twins. She is also a rock for me as she has gone through trials of her own to become a mom. She just had triplets, pick up your jaw you heard me right. Twins + Triplets. If you ever have the chance to meet her look close, she has a super women cape under her shirt. I know she was chosen, because she can handle it. She really is amazing.
Ahh I digress. What would I do if there was more then one, or even two? Will first I think and would like to hope that I would feel Blessed. Then like most I assume (except Amber) I would feel overwhelmed. Then I would make it work, and make sure all were loved.
The world of fertility is a scary field. There is so much to it; that it can be overwhelming. Heartache is also there. Most important there are life lessons! Today I cried. I cried alot, emotions are tools that I feel like sometimes can be turned against you. It wasn't the day I wanted. What can be done? Tomorrow I have a chance to be happy. Only if I allow it. Infertility isn't my life, it's a challenge. I will win, but in the mean time battle or no battle I am a mother. It seems strange to me that through all of this I still have bad days. I suppose if it wasn't this it would be something else.
Have you ever read the Screw Tape Letters? It a great book by C.S. Lewis. In it are two demons communicating trying to turn people to their side. In it there is a conversation where (ohh I wish I could remember their names...It has been one of those days) the master is writing the apprentice. The Apprentice has just let the man go to church and thinks it is unwise. The all knowing master on the other hand knows better. He tells him to let him continue going to church just start to point things out. Like the women who sing off key, the smell of you neighbor, and so on. What dose this have to do with infertility? Alot! Basically this happens so that the man will not feel the spirit the apprentice distracts him; so that he will nit pick.
Here is my question, how many of us do this? If only I didn't do this, or that; then I wouldn't have this! Will here is a reality check and I am sorry if this sounds a bit crude, you have a problem but the more you dwindle on what you did a billion years ago the more you lose focus on what is important. You are a strong women, look at what you are going through? Do you think perfect Patty down the street can handle this? NO! she can't and I will tell you why, you are you. Everything in your life that has gone wrong has made you the women you are today. Think about it; how many times did you make a mistake. Does it matter? no the only time the mistake really matters is when you learned from it enough not to repeat it. Once you have done that, my friend; you have conquer it. It has become a trophy, that launched you to the next square. Be proud of yourself... after all you are an amazing person created in the likeness of your Heavenly Father.
Why am I writing this? because I have noticed, me included that we think infertility is our fault that we did something to deserve the pain associated with it. Let me tell you something that train of thought is dangerous. We can't compete with perfect. We can however hold up heads and face this challenge, take pride at how Strong we are to go through it, let me tell you not everyone can handle it. You my friends are amazing, together we can go through anything, but before I sign off for tonight let me leave with this thought.
It is ok to feel the pain, it is ok to hurt, to cry, to even get angry. It only is dangerous when we hold on. I strongly believe not all emotions are meant to be carried as weights. A good cry can help, even if it happens more then you would like. Holding on to pain will only trap the person you want to be, try to find the emotions that let you float, that way when you seem to be weighed down..(don't worry it happens to everyone) you will have a life line that will pull you back up.
I really want to hear from you, I promise to respond to everyone who leaves a comment. Questions are always welcomed.
It does it hurt, I know ( I am feeling the pain right now) it's hard when it seems everyday is a battle. Does it have to be though?
Love you all!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Lupron shots, and joy oh joy!

So just gave my self my shot for the evening, I get so nervous as to wither I am taking the right amount. It just seems like there is so much left in the bottle. I should be done with my first two weeks of shot on Thursday morning. After that? Another 2 weeks. I have six in total of which I will go on fermera and Clomid, yes pick up your jaw I will be going on both. After which I will receive a trigger shot just to make sure I ovulate. I am so nervous and so excited at the same time.
Every Thanksgiving my mom puts out a table cloth on which we write what we are thankful for this year. The only thing I wrote was Moving Forward. Mark and I began ttc July of 2006 it wasn't until May of 2007 that I deiced it was time to seek help. So in a way in May I deiced to move forward.
Today I decided to move forward as in no longer making my emotions a burden. I deiced to share them in hopes that I will heal. I know that I will get pregnant. I also know that in order to receive blessing, I must be prepared to have them. I don't think that me keeping everything in is the right format for this, do you agree? If I have to go through many years of this I will find joy, there are so many blessing around me; that it would be ungrateful to focus on just this one thing.

I hope this process will help me become closer to my Savior and my Heavenly Father. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I was given this hurtle because I can get through it, my Father in Heaven knows that I can, if I couldn't he would not have given it to me. He knows me so well that I feel blessed. I was talking to my grandmother the other day and we talk about my membership into the church, would I be able to get through this? Probably, but at what cost? I have already spent so much emotional time on this, it is a battle and it is painful! But I have something that I will always hold dear and that is the comfort of the spirit given to me by my Father in Heaven. I can't even think how much it would hurt without that.
Sorry I am getting a little worked up, let me get a drink.... ok I am better now. Lets play a game let call it The Blessing Game. I challenge all who read this at the end of one of their post during the week to come up with five blessing that you wouldn't have had if you weren't going through this! Can you do it? I bet you can, I'll start.
1. I have become aware how blessed I am to have Megs she is my first Miracle.
2. I love my family and because of this I now know that they have saved me from myself more then they will ever know.
3. I am thankful I am able to enjoy little moments more, so important not to let life past you by while little savory moments are everywhere!
4. I am thankful for Amber and Rachel, Amber has gone through this and Rachel although hasn't had to ( Thank Goodness) go through this she has had some experiences similar. They both are truly inspirations to me and when I grow up I hope I adapt some of their traits.
5. I am thankful my hubby can be a rock and handle my emotional out pouring I know it has to be so hard on him but he lets me have all the breakdowns.
Ok now its your turn after the second one it becomes easy! After your done you will feel amazing trust me!
Let me know if you did!

First post!

I am starting this blog based on prayer. Infertility is hard, painful, and emotional. I never thought that I would be one of thousands dealing with this. I never thought it would consume so much of my thoughts. But here we are. This is a journey, it will have a happy ending. You may ask how do I know? Will it is all on faith and trust. I strongly believe that I am the only one who can control how I look at things. Sometimes I think to myself how I wish this was over, I am sure we all do. The only way to get through it is to go through it.
At the begging I said that this was started through prayer, why? I needed an outlet to get out all the things that consume me. So I can get back into physical, mental and spiritual shape. I don't know about you, but I can no longer bottle this up. The more I shove into this tiny bottle the more I lose myself. I am ready to heal, so that I can be healed.
There are so many lesson that we can learn from each other. We each need a Cheering section. If you are reading this because you to are suffering from longing, then we are uniquely bonded. Let us go through this together as only people who know can. Let us be there for each other. If you are reading this to try and understand, thank you. We need you too.
I will be back soon I hope we all can become friends!
I may not know you, but I want to .