It has been one of those days!

Well the hormones I think has gone to my brain since my emotions have been all over!
My mom made the comment of, its kinda like you pregnant. Haha, I wish! At least at the end of that I would have a real baby! At the end of this, I will only have a chance. That's where my determination has come in. There is a chance, and with that there is faith.
So many thoughts have run in my head lately it is so hard to keep track! Ohhh and I forgot I am having the weirdest dreams is anyone else with me on this? The other night I had a dream that I was on the Today show! Yes little ole me, you would never guess what the title was....( I will give you some time to get creative)....no that's not it,...... not that either....... Ok since you twisted my arm I will tell you, Women gives Birth to Litter! Oh my what would we do then?
I have thought about this, actually alot. What if there is more then one? I mean there are these risks. I found a forum (and Amber if you read this, don't laugh...to hard) where women order fertility drugs over the Internet just so they could have twins! ( Amber I know that you are laughing, but I swear I saw it and it is true) Ok, now this is extreme and I would never ever recommend doing this. I believe that these drugs are here to help us, who are not all healthy in the reproductive area. I could never imagine undergoing fertility if I was healthy. Now I am not criticizing these women, it is just hard for me to fathom why? I have a hard time on my own, so I am in a different place. I just think if it ain't broke why fix it?
The reason I added my dearest friend Amber is because she has twins. She is also a rock for me as she has gone through trials of her own to become a mom. She just had triplets, pick up your jaw you heard me right. Twins + Triplets. If you ever have the chance to meet her look close, she has a super women cape under her shirt. I know she was chosen, because she can handle it. She really is amazing.
Ahh I digress. What would I do if there was more then one, or even two? Will first I think and would like to hope that I would feel Blessed. Then like most I assume (except Amber) I would feel overwhelmed. Then I would make it work, and make sure all were loved.
The world of fertility is a scary field. There is so much to it; that it can be overwhelming. Heartache is also there. Most important there are life lessons! Today I cried. I cried alot, emotions are tools that I feel like sometimes can be turned against you. It wasn't the day I wanted. What can be done? Tomorrow I have a chance to be happy. Only if I allow it. Infertility isn't my life, it's a challenge. I will win, but in the mean time battle or no battle I am a mother. It seems strange to me that through all of this I still have bad days. I suppose if it wasn't this it would be something else.
Have you ever read the Screw Tape Letters? It a great book by C.S. Lewis. In it are two demons communicating trying to turn people to their side. In it there is a conversation where (ohh I wish I could remember their names...It has been one of those days) the master is writing the apprentice. The Apprentice has just let the man go to church and thinks it is unwise. The all knowing master on the other hand knows better. He tells him to let him continue going to church just start to point things out. Like the women who sing off key, the smell of you neighbor, and so on. What dose this have to do with infertility? Alot! Basically this happens so that the man will not feel the spirit the apprentice distracts him; so that he will nit pick.
Here is my question, how many of us do this? If only I didn't do this, or that; then I wouldn't have this! Will here is a reality check and I am sorry if this sounds a bit crude, you have a problem but the more you dwindle on what you did a billion years ago the more you lose focus on what is important. You are a strong women, look at what you are going through? Do you think perfect Patty down the street can handle this? NO! she can't and I will tell you why, you are you. Everything in your life that has gone wrong has made you the women you are today. Think about it; how many times did you make a mistake. Does it matter? no the only time the mistake really matters is when you learned from it enough not to repeat it. Once you have done that, my friend; you have conquer it. It has become a trophy, that launched you to the next square. Be proud of yourself... after all you are an amazing person created in the likeness of your Heavenly Father.
Why am I writing this? because I have noticed, me included that we think infertility is our fault that we did something to deserve the pain associated with it. Let me tell you something that train of thought is dangerous. We can't compete with perfect. We can however hold up heads and face this challenge, take pride at how Strong we are to go through it, let me tell you not everyone can handle it. You my friends are amazing, together we can go through anything, but before I sign off for tonight let me leave with this thought.
It is ok to feel the pain, it is ok to hurt, to cry, to even get angry. It only is dangerous when we hold on. I strongly believe not all emotions are meant to be carried as weights. A good cry can help, even if it happens more then you would like. Holding on to pain will only trap the person you want to be, try to find the emotions that let you float, that way when you seem to be weighed down..(don't worry it happens to everyone) you will have a life line that will pull you back up.
I really want to hear from you, I promise to respond to everyone who leaves a comment. Questions are always welcomed.
It does it hurt, I know ( I am feeling the pain right now) it's hard when it seems everyday is a battle. Does it have to be though?
Love you all!
Tiff