My journey to a better me.

The child I never had

2010-07-21T06:39:00.000-07:00

About this time three years ago I was told after three Dr, positive pregnancy test that I was no longer pregnant. Although it was only considered a chemical pregnancy it hit me like a bag of bricks and to this day I am not over it. When it pops up in my mind I am still very much hurt. For two weeks that pregnancy was celebrated. My family is just now really finding out about this. I couldn’t talk about before. It hurt, who am I kidding? It still hurts. I find it slipping into to conversations. Like the ones where you share how you told your husband. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was hot and I was outside since I was over at Mark’s parents house, I didn’t want anyone to hear our little secret. There was joy in Mark’s voice. Over the next two weeks there was much excitement, I smiled at every chance just knowing that after a year and half my child was finally coming home and would be there in just 8months. I register for the week by week websites and read all I could about the baby in my womb. For two weeks there was joy.

It’s funny, as much as I remember that first day I found out the day that haunts me is the day I found I wasn’t. I remember the cheerfulness in my doctors voice and he soccer punched me in the gut with one little sentence. “Congratulations! You are not pregnant” my without finding my voice just breathing faster and harder on the other end. The doctor still with a cheerful voice, “it was probably a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage; call me when you are pregnant” It’s funny to me how when I picked up the phone with so much joy I hung it up with so much sorrow and sadness. I called my hubby and I couldn’t get the words out. Somehow he understood. We went out to lunch together and held hands, looked at each other without our joy we had had for two weeks. I went home and cried. Then I picked myself up.

Once a year though I remember our joy and our heart ache. I wonder as the years have passed on why can’t I think about this lost without tearing up? Why do I allow it to haunt me? I wish I had the answer. I feel as though I missing a child. That when we sit down to eat; a chair that should be filled isn’t. I feel as though I must keep fighting for that joy, I felt for those two weeks. Then I realize how messed up I am. Why am I grieving this? Many have gone through a lot worse and seem to have it all together? I can’t hide that facts that in my private moments I wonder, I cry , I have love, I have pain for the child I never had.

Quote of the day:

“As I contemplate all that you face in the world today, one word comes to my mind. It describes an attribute needed by all of us but one which you—at this time of your life and in this world–will need particularly. That attribute is courage."

Thomas S. Monson, May You Have Courage, Ensign, May 2009, 124

Without realizing it... a boring update.

2010-07-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well I am back from another road trip. I am now done with my summer travel. I am kinda relived. It was so much fun to see everyone but I kinda neglected my body. No work outs I even forgot my Maca Root for 2 week and a day. The only upside to this? Without realizing it I put on a size 12 it has been years since I could fit into a size 12 and I am now half way to my goal of being in a size 6 by my birthday. So that is exciting. Nothing really exciting, I ran out of ovulation test I ended up having 8 positive test, which really made my year in reality. Thanks to my fertility AF is suppose to show up in 5 days so if she comes I will only be kinda sad since I still had something new happen. Sorry this isn’t really exciting post I wish I was clever and had something funny to say but I can’t find anything funny right now about my boring blissful life.

Love you all !

Tiff

Quote of the day:

“Life often feels like a great pile of obligations, frustrations, and disappointments. But the Lord is there, always the same, His arms still outstretched. When we feel overwhelmed, we have to remember the peace He has spoken to us on previous occasions. His peace brings comfort and strength; the world cannot give that to us."

Kathleen H. Hughes, "Remembering the Lord's Love, Ensign," Nov. 2006, 111-12

Me? Normal....

2010-07-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

I had a great day yesterday. I went to the doctor for my ultrasound, if you remember I had one three months ago and they only found one cyst.{That day alone was exciting} Well yesterday after the ultra sound the tech told me that my cyst was gone and that I was cyst free! For the first time in 5 years I was told everything looked good and healthy. I must admit I cried right there. I couldn't help it. I have never had an ultra sound where everything looked healthy. Then I celebrated and bought some of my favorite foods and magazine. {Don't worry there was no sugar in any of it.}
Speaking of sugar, I think that because I gave it up 4months ago after {a ruptured cyst}this is what returned my body to a healthy state. I feel so good after giving it up that I really can't envision myself going back!
Last week when I was poking around google I found this really good article about giving up Sugar on Trying to conceive.
So that is my update I am going to keep plugging along!
Quote of the Day;
"It requires courage to make good choices, even when others around us choose differently. As we make righteous choices day by day in little things, the Lord will strengthen us and help us choose the right during more difficult times. "...

W. Craig Zwick, "We Will Not Yield, We Cannot Yield," Ensign, May 2008, 98

Nothing like coming home from Paradise and finding this....

2010-06-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

So it has been two weeks since I last posted. This summer has been super busy for me! I just got back from a 9 day annual stay in Mexico with my family, and before that I was just getting ready to go. So you can understand why I have not been there. Also due to the length of my break I have a ton of updates!

UDATE NUMBER 1 CLEARTIY AND LIFE DESSIONS:
So while in my paradise of choice I was able to think long and hard about what I want to be when I grow up. I am tired of not having my college degree. I really want something that I can fall back onto if need be. So I thought and thought and I cme to the conclusion that I would love to be a nutrisionalst. I have come to discover that since being diginosed with PCOS and Endo, I have read what seems like every diet medical book I could get my hands on; trying to figure out what would benfit me and get me the goals I desire. So I am going to help myself with that goal and others by getting my degree and certificate in Diet and Nutrition. I am so excited to share my knowledge that I will be learning.

UPDATE NUMBER 2 DO I REALLY SEE TWO LINES?
I wish I meant pregnancy test wise, but no- I mean ovulation test. Its true I saw two lines! ME! I know it sounds weird to get excited over this, but the last time I saw two lines was when I was given drugs to help with it. It is so relieving to see that I am ovulating on my own naturally! It makes me feel as though all my hard work is paying off. It was so hard this last week to abstain from sugar. My family and I would start to play games and the Chips Ahoy would break out. It seemed as though I was constantly tempted. I made it through and now I am so glad I did! I am still in shock one faint little line has made my day!

UPDATE NUMBER 3 WEIGHT LOSS IN PARADISE?
Now this surprised me so much! Imagine going on a cruise and when it was done losing weight. It feels near impossible since you are always surrounded by food. Since I didn't partake in sugar, I swam every day, had more energy to play with all the kids that were there and now I feel great! In two weeks I will show my updated picture.

So that is really it. I am super excited about all the changes that are going on and I can't wait to apply everything! Tomorrow I have an ultra sound last time when I went I only had one cyst and I am hoping for the same results tomorrow as well.
Quote of the day:

"I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase 'the tender mercies of the Lord.' Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men' (D&C 46:15)."

David A. Bednar, "The Tender Mercies of the Lord," Ensign, May 2005, 99

Love,

Tiff

mONTH 3 DIET PICTURES

2010-06-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Well, this month I have been kinda nervous to post my pics because I can't tell big difference. But thanks to my hubby who showed me the difference I think I will be brave. Can you see my collar bones? That is is super exciting and I have more of a waist aka I got my ribs back. Sweet! Well let me know what you think here they are!

Quote of the day:

"Life often feels like a great pile of obligations, frustrations, and disappointments. But the Lord is there, always the same, His arms still outstretched. When we feel overwhelmed, we have to remember the peace He has spoken to us on previous occasions. His peace brings comfort and strength; the world cannot give that to us."

Kathleen H. Hughes, "Remembering the Lord's Love, Ensign," Nov. 2006, 111-12

Love,
Tiff

2010-06-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about this word. More of this more of that more, more, more. In my world when ever I heard the word more it meant more test, more shots, more pills more(fill in the blank). Now that I am on my own it means more research, more exercise, more veggies and fruit. Isn’t it funny how one little word can bring so much “more” thought?

This week I have been kinda bad. I have been taking my Maca root and decided to try it with oatmeal. So I went to the store to find something that I thought it would taste great in. I bought reduce sugar apple and cinnamon oat meal. I cooked it up put it in then enjoyed the flavor of sugar something I haven’t had for over 3 months. When I was done I was thinking hmm that tasted so good! Then my tummy started to ache so bad that I thought that I had a food poisoning. In a way I did. Since my body isn’t used to the sweet taste of sugar it reacted as though I poisoned it. So I guess I will be having no more sugar ever. Its just to painful. Today I will go to the store and by some bananas for my hard oat, oat meal. This also put me off my game I didn’t work out for the last two days. I think I learned a valuable lesson; a little sugar hurts. Oh well.

What things have you been surprised about?

Quote of the day:

"In our society today I see so many people who blame others for their failures. I have observed that those who accept personal responsibility for their actions are more successful than those who blame their shortcomings and lack of accomplishments on someone else."

James E. Faust, "Your Light—a Standard to All Nations," Ensign, May 2006, 112-13

Love,

Tiff

BigFatNegative....AKA BFN

2010-06-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

So from the title you may have guess I tested; and by now I am sure you know what the answers is. I am not surprised. I think at this current moment of time in my life it would have been more of a shocker if it was a BFP. I also haven’t given up hope for after all I am only 20 days in. Last month must have been a fluke. So I will test again in two weeks . I will leave it at that. I am just mad that I spent 10.00 on two test at a regular store instead of going to the dollar store and buying 10 test. I really can’t believe I blew my money on whim. Ick where is my patience!

Oh well better luck next time.

Quote of the day:

“We should learn to be patient with ourselves. Recognizing our strengths and our weaknesses, we should strive to use good judgment in all of our choices and decisions, make good use of every opportunity, and do our best in every task we undertake. We should not be unduly discouraged nor in despair at any time when we are doing the best we can. Rather, we should be satisfied with our progress even though it may come slowly at times.”

Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Patience, a Key to Happiness,” Ensign, May 1987, 30

Love,

Tiff

Collar bones oh my!

2010-06-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

This morning when I looked in the mirror I saw my collar bone!!!! For the last five years it has been in hibernation under many blankets of fat. I was so excited I squealed!!! Little milestones like these really make my day! It also made me look at my body in a positive light. I am so blessed for all the things it does when I treat it right!

I also wanted to let in on my secret. I haven’t been doing my exercise videos. With summer her in AZ the weather can become unreal. You can sometimes feel like you are walking on the sun. {No Joke}. Coming from Idaho this is a huge blow to me every year. I loved the summer it meant we could go to the river wear shorts, sit in the grass and relax. Here you have to wear shorts to survive, there is really no grass to sit on and even the river can feel like lava! So far the last 4 years I have been hibernating when summer comes. NOT THIS YEAR! This year I am going to embrace it. I found an awesome website that will take your swimming experience and ability and device a plan for you to swim the weight off. Did I mention that it is free? I have loved my workouts so much more with this program!

Here is my first weeks swim program.

Personalized swimming program for Tiffany
www.swimplan.com

Duration 30-45 mins Distance 1200m Pool length 25m

Warm up

4 x 50m Freestyle Swim (even pace), rest 0:15 / 50m [Easy] Freestyle swim at a steady pace.

Build up (repeat 4 times)

1 x 25m Freestyle Catch Up, rest 0:10 / 25m [Aerobic] Freestyle drill where one arm catches up to the other between stokes. Both arms start stretched out. One arm completes full stoke (both arms return to a stretched out position) then the other arm completes a full stroke. Pull with one arm at a time and touch your hands between each alternating arm stroke. •

1 x 25m Streamline Kicking, rest 0:10 / 25m [Aerobic] Freestyle kick with arms held out front in a streamlined position. Fingers overlap with one thumb lightly gripping the opposite hand. Lift your chin above the water to breath without turning your head.

Core (repeat 3 times)

4 x 25m Freestyle, rest 0:15 / 25m (1st & 2nd), rest 0:10 / 25m (3rd & 4th) [Aerobic] Freestyle swim, resting 15 seconds for the first two 25m and 10 seconds for the second two 25m.

• 4 x 25m Breaststroke, rest 0:15 / 25m (1st & 2nd), rest 0:10 / 25m (3rd & 4th) [Aerobic] Breaststroke swim, resting 15 seconds for the first two 25m and 10 seconds for the second two 25m.

Warm down

• 4 x 25m Backstroke Easy, rest 0:10 / 25m [Easy] Backstroke swim at a slow, relaxed pace. Concentrate on long slow strokes.

• 4 x 25m Freestyle Push & Glide, rest 0:10 / 25m [Easy] Freestyle swim, pausing at the end of every stroke with arms out-stretched, one held out front, the other held loosely against the body.

There it is in all its glory!

Another great part about this site is that if you get tired of doing this plan or want to switch it up it gives you a list of different programs to chose from so you can always switch! Go check them out for a great work out.

Quote of the Day

"In my quiet moments, I think of the future with all of its wonderful possibilities and with all of its terrible temptations. I wonder what will happen to you in the next 10 years. Where will you be? What will you be doing? That will depend on the choices you make, some of which may seem unimportant at the time but which will have tremendous consequences.

"Someone has said, 'It may make a difference to all eternity whether we do right or wrong today' (James Freeman Clarke, in Elbert Hubbard's Scrap Book [1923], 95).

"You have the potential to become anything to which you set your mind. You have a mind and a body and a spirit. With these three working together, you can walk the high road that leads to achievement and happiness. But this will require effort and sacrifice and faith."

Gordon B. Hinckley, "Stay on the High Road," Ensign, May 2004, 112-13

Love

Tiff

Just in case you were wondering.

* This is my opinion and I have no affiliation with this website other then using it for my own personal use.

SHOULD I OR SHOULDN'T I...

2010-06-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

So I am now at a crossroads. That every infertile women faces when aunt flow is suppose to arrive. Should I or Shouldn’t I test? On one hand I am stung by curiosity {could this be the time? } On the other hand I have been down this road before. I have strong arguments for both and here is why.

I SHOULD…..

Last month was a weird month for me. Tomorrow I will hit 20 days in my cycle. 20 right now is a significant number for me. In case you didn’t know last month I had my first ever 20 day cycle. When you are used to a 35-70 day cycle the one little number of 20 becomes a milestone of importance. Also this 20 day cycle was only six days of spotting. Which could mean implantation. Now I did take two pregnancy test while spotting and they both came out as one might guess BFN. Now though I can’t help thinking… maybe it was to early? Should I let my self go down this path again?

I SHOULDN’T

We are talking about a women with PCOS here. In my world no two cycles are the same. I have been down this road before filled with hope and a lot of anxiety. It painful to feel like you might be close, and yet know in the back of your head that you are probably not. You take each little symptom that you think you may have and you use it until it is brittle to justify your belief that you are indeed pregnant. {For me right now it is the smell of hot dogs} Dear I forget all these little tid bit that I have been allowing to be suppressed in the back of my head? Or do I go down the path that leads to darkness if wrong?

I know I will probably take the first choice and test. It is way to tempting. It reminds me of chasing rainbows when you where a kid. Right when you think you are close you look up and it even farther away. The temptation however is still there closer then ever. What would you do? When would you test? I think I will let my body do what it is going to do and if nothing by Sunday then Monday I will test. What do you think?

Quote of the day:

“Our challenges, including those we create by our own decisions, are part of our test in mortality. Let me assure you that your situation is not beyond the reach of our Savior. Through Him, every struggle can be for our experience and our good (see D&C 122:7). Each temptation we overcome is to strengthen us, not destroy us. The Lord will never allow us to suffer beyond what we can endure (see 1 Corinthians 10:13).”

Robert D. Hales, “Becoming Provident Providers Temporally and Spiritually,” Ensign, May 2009, 7

Love,

Tiff

Refreshed and ready to move on.....

2010-06-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

Will I don’t know if you have noticed but I was ready for a break! A time to get some perspective, get on a structured plan, and well get into a better mood. {I was getting so tired of the negative Nelley that was stuck in my head} My hubby must have noticed too and so we deiced to go to the happiest place on earth Disney Land. We had a wonderful time and since we stay at a place with no tv or internet I was able to sit down and think. I thought about a lot things. My disappointments, and my blessings. The choices I have made to come to where I am. I was able to think about all my joy.

Then I came up with a plan. I like structure, I am one of those types who loves to research and learn. I love to make list, wither it be an inventory of my pantry, what I need to get done, or even something as silly as which movies we have. I love them! I also like timelines such as what I am going to be doing from this time to that time and so on. So with my diet which has really only consisted of no sugar, is going to get an upgrade. I have been looking into the Flat Belly diet since I heard about it on Oprah. So on Monday morning I went to my favorite online bookstore Amazon and looked it up to see how much the book would cost. The cheapest I could find was 5.50 plus 3.00 tax and well I didn’t want to spend that much. So I thought I would give it till July to come down in price to like 3.00 and then get it. Later that day we went to Savors; because it was half off day of course. So I went to browse the books like usual and guess what?! They had the book I was wanting to buy for only $2.99! So next Wednesday I will start the flat belly diet; which is perfect since the following Monday I post my 4 month picture. So I will be posting about my new diet all next week.

As part as the baby making update. Nothing really new except I had my first 20day cycle!!!! Holy cow I must say it scared me. I have never had a cycle that short, I must have driven my DR crazy! I must have called at least three times. Here is why when you have cycles that are 35-70 days apart you freak out. Especially since I only spotted. I tried to get her to give me a blood test but since my hpt was a BFN twice she was sure it was just a normal period. We will see though since next week will be day 20 I am kind of wondering what will happen.

So this is what has been happing with me, how has your week been going? Also I am looking for a diet buddy to help keep at it, if you are interested leave me a comment.

Quote of the day:

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: ‘Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.’ ”

Thomas S. Monson, “Be of Good Cheer,” Ensign, May 2009, 89

Love,

Tiff

Discouraged…

2010-05-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

So I feel completely drained. Sorry I haven’t written but my darn eyes had a date with some allergens and so I couldn’t see. I am kinda sadden that nobody had anything to say about my last post, I finally broke down and called my doctor. She said it was one or two things I either am pregnant.. {haha} or I am on my period. If I am pregnant it would be a shock knowing my history, therefore I can only conclude that I am not pregnant and that alone is depressing. So I am on the weirdest cycle ever. 20day cycle and honestly nothing that I would ever noticed with out my trained infertile eye. Still spotting. I am feeling incredibly moody and want to cry a lot for some reason. I realized yesterday that every single person that I began to follow when I started this blog have all gotten pregnant. I am the last one, who hasn’t achieved the end goal. Hmmm. I can’t process that right now though, I have to get out of this funk I am in. Any suggestions?

Quote of the day:

"We are becoming a great global society. But our interest and concern must always be with the individual. Every member of this church is an individual man or woman, boy or girl. Our great responsibility is to see that each is 'remembered and nourished by the good word of God' (Moro. 6:4), that each has opportunity for growth and expression and training in the work and ways of the Lord, that none lacks the necessities of life, that the needs of the poor are met, that each member shall have encouragement, training, and opportunity to move forward on the road of immortality and eternal life. This, I submit, is the inspired genius of this the Lord's work. The organization can grow and multiply in numbers, as it surely will. This gospel must be carried to every nation, kindred, tongue, and people. There can never be in the foreseeable future a standing still or a failure to reach out, to move forward, to build, to enlarge Zion across the world. But with all of this there must continue to be an intimate pastoral relationship of every member with a wise and caring bishop or branch president. These are the shepherds of the flock whose responsibility it is to look after the people in relatively small numbers so that none is forgotten, overlooked, or neglected."

Gordon B. Hinckley, "This Work Is Concerned with People," Ensign, May 1995, 52–53

Love,
Tiff

Something strange happening here… I might need some help,

2010-05-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

So I have to warn you this might be a little TMI….

So if you read my latest cycle post you would know my last cycle lasted 35 days. This cycle is completely different. Will to be honest with you I have no clue what is going on. It has been 22days since my last visit from AF and she decied to spot a little on Sunday night, then yesterday {then it went away} and now today. On Sunday it was pink, Monday it was red and today it brown. I have no idea what is going on with my body. I have never had a cycle like this ever. I have no real cramps, just some pinches every now and then but nothing that makes me cry for my mommy. Has anyone else ever experience this? I mean in general since Saturday I have just felt blah. Now I have all these questions running through my head like: Am I going crazy? Has anyone else has ever experienced this? Am I alone? What the heck is going on? Can anyone give me a clue here….eh.

So how has your day gone? I hope more clear then mine.

Quote of the day:

“Faith is not a theological platitude. It is a fact of life. Faith can become the very wellspring of purposeful living. There is no more compelling motivation to worthwhile endeavor than the knowledge that we are children of God, the Creator of the universe, our all-wise Heavenly Father! God expects us to do something with our lives, and he will give us help when help is sought.”

Gordon B. Hinckley, "With All Thy Getting Get Understanding," Ensign, Aug. 1988, 2

Love,
Tiff

MIA

2010-05-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

There really is no reason why I have been MIA the last couple of days except that I just didn’t have time. I have been taking the Maca powder for 5 days now I sure feel the energy surging through my veins. I don’t know if it a good thing yet but I have been able to get more done.

So I was thinking…. I wish people would stop saying you can save it for your next baby. Do they not know that it is hurtful? I literally could not take it last night. I finally was like “ I don’t know when I am going to have another baby but it won’t be for a while. Please stop saying that.” ! I haven’t snapped like that since I don’t know when. Then to make it worse the rest of the night all I heard was are you mad at me. Now I wasn’t mad….I was really annoyed but not mad. The sad thing is I felt bad for being annoyed but come on people! Or it is like when I called my friend the other day and was like Guess what! And the answer “Your pregnant” What?!? First if I was going to tell someone I am close to that I was pregnant then do you think I would call them or take the 2 min ride to go tell them in person. Other then that don’t they know my history…haven’t I kept them informed enough? It bad enough when strangers from your ward ask inappropriate questions about you bearing children, but the people who know your struggle? Am I out of line here? How would you respond? I am really not mad I’m really not, but I am super annoyed. I don’t know.

Quote of the day:

“The future is as bright as your faith."

Thomas S. Monson, "Be of Good Cheer," Ensign, May 2009, 92

Love,
Tiff

False Alarm.+ Maca Root Powder

2010-05-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

So I feel better, I hate waking up to bad feelings so I am so happy that it is over.
Well today after my sick episode I went to Sprouts. When I pulled up to the in the parking lot I noticed a discount vitamins store. So I decide to take a peak inside. I knew I wanted Maca powder, so when I found it I was presently surprise to find some for only 16.00 I have been looking online and the cheapest I could find for the same brand was 22.00. At Sprouts it was 24.00 for a way smaller bottle. Anyway here is an article on the benefit's of Maca root and fertility.
This article is from Natural Fertility
“Peruvians claim that Maca improves memory, combats anemia, and fights depression. Some researchers note that when the body is well-nourished, libido rises and depression abates; Maca’s nutrient value could explain some of these purported actions. The root, which tastes like butterscotch when it’s roasted like a potato, can also be prepared into jam, broth, puddings, and juices, and contains five times more protein than a potato, four times more fiber, and less fat. It contains linoleic and oleic oils (two types of essential fatty acids) and essential amino acids.” Macaperu.com

By: Jacky

The South American country of Peru is home to numerous beneficial plants, including Maca, a legendary sex-enhancing root passed down from the Inca. I’d heard about Maca for years. It has been dubbed “Peruvian ginseng,” even though it bears no relation to ginseng. But like ginseng, the plant is employed to increase strength, energy, stamina, libido and sexual function, a winning combination of health benefits if there ever was one.

To investigate Maca’s health benefits and understand the role that Maca plays in Peruvian culture, my wife and I headed down to Peru to explore the Maca trail. In the process we met with Maca traders, growers and scientists, and came back tremendously impressed by this plant, which is now available as a supplement in U.S. health food stores.

What is Maca? Maca, Lepidium meyenii, is an annual plant which produces a radish-like root. The root of maca is typically dried and stored, and will easily keep for seven years. The plant is cultivated in the Junin plateau of Peru’s Central Highlands, and was highly revered by the Inca.

During the height of the Incan empire, legend has it that Incan warriors would consume Maca before entering into battle. This would make them fiercely strong. But after conquering a city the Incan soldiers were prohibited from using Maca, to protect the conquered women from their powerful sexual impulses. Thus as far back as 500 years ago, Maca’s reputation for enhancing strength, libido and fertility was already well established in Peru.

“MACA has been known to increase a women’s ability to conceive rather dramatically. This happens because of MACA’s ability to promote the production of the Luteneinizing Hormone (LH). The LH causes ovulation. MACA has also been shown to increase sperm counts in men. Research studies on animals were conducted by Dr. Gloria Chacon de Popovici and Dr. Freddy Madrid Gironda with extremely successful results in almost all cases! (These studies will be published sometime later on this year.)” – macaperu.com

Today, Maca’s popularity is very much on the increase, as people discover that the plant really does boost libido, sexual function and overall energy. Acreage in Peru dedicated to Maca cultivation is increasing every year to meet demand, and a number of scientists have turned their attention to the properties of the root. In Peru, Maca is used by men and by women who want to put more fire into their sex lives. And in the U.S., Europe and Japan, dietary supplements containing Maca are gaining ardent devotees.

Maca Nutrition: What natural ingredients in Maca promote its reputed sex-enhancing effects? In-depth analysis of maca conducted in 1998 by Dr. Qun Yi Zheng and his colleagues at PureWorld Botanicals shows that maca contains about 10 percent protein, almost 60 percent carbohydrate, and an assortment of fatty acids. These ingredients are common and nothing special. But the investigators also discovered two groups of novel compounds, the macamidesmacaenes. These agents are believed to be directly responsible for Maca’s sex-boosting powers.

“Pregnancy demands extra nutrients for a healthy baby. Unfortunately, many of today’s women are overworked, stressed and/or have a long history of taking the Birth Control Pill find that their fertility is compromised. Eating Maca Powder can be an affordable, excellent nutritional addition to every womans diet. Peruvian women start to take maca at the age of three, then gradually include it as a staple part of their diet. They are fertile well into later life.” menstruation.com.au

Article Source: http://www.uberarticles.com/articles

More later,
Tiff

No No NO NO!

2010-05-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

I might feel a it sick....I cannot get sick! I work up felling like I was on a boat this morning, my stomach must not know I am on land!!! I can feel each limb on my body get tired and refuse to do their normal duties. I cannot get sick. I have so much to do today, like get food. I also wanted to go to the herb shop and check out how much Maca is….argh. I know I am going to eat some breakfast, take a shower and ignore my body for now. I am going to pretend that it is the food I ate last night. (Beef stroganoff at my parents yum…should not have had the pasta.} Also woke up with some cramps, in mid cycle has anyone ever had this? They don’t feel like cyst cramps just tiny little cramps that maybe feel like I am getting poked with a ball point pin from within. Weird or what?

Anyway that small distraction actually settled my stomach, a little. I CAN NOT GET SICK…. I REFUSE! So I will keep you all updated after I go to the store and all!

I will do my quote with my last post of the day.

Blessing dreams can bring....

2010-05-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days. After the whole Pineapple upside down cake incident, in my head I asked was this worth it? Were my goals ever going to be achieved? Then I had this dream.

I dreamt that I was with my SIL and we were at one of those mall playgrounds with our SONS. Mine was six months I never saw hers so I have no idea how old he was. It seems to me that my dream focused on this little miracle He was perfect. He had blonde golden hair, with lose little ringlets, (like my brother and nieces) . His eyes where such a light blue like his dad. He was mine. He was 6months and crawling and pulling himself up. My sil and I were talking about how he looking to become an early walker and I remember thinking I need him to not to walk so I could keep him as a baby for just a bit longer. Then I woke up, sadden because it was only a dream, cheered up because it gave me hope and a picture in my head to hold on too. I don’t know when the child is going to come but I know he will one day. He is worth it. I will not stop until he is in my arms. Smiling that knowing smile that we have meet before. I know this was a gift given to me by my Heavenly Father to let me know I am doing the right things.

There is a wonderful book about stories like this by Sarah Hinze. It is one of my favorites in a way it provides comfort to me when I don’t have a child in my arms. It talks a lot about our premortal existence; and how these men and women have dreams or visions about their children before they are born. Then meeting them once they are born.

I have to think that this is what this was. I have had one dream like this before. When I just found out about PCOS I had a dream that I ascended right in the middle of a circle of children that were meant to be in my family. Some had different colored skin showing me we would adopt and others look like me and Mark. The love was amazing. That was the last dream I ever had about my future family. I have been holding on to that image for 4 years. Until last night I am so thankful. \

Have you ever dreamt of your future, with children running in the background? It amazes me what blessing can come from a simple dream.

Quote if the day:

"In this age of one hour dry cleaning and one minute fast food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. . . .

"When heaven's promises sometimes seem afar off, I pray that each of us will embrace these exceeding great and precious promises and never let go. . . . God will remember you."

Spencer J. Condie, "Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises," Ensign, Nov. 2007, 18

The Pineapple Upside down cake that wasn’t

2010-05-10T14:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was offered a pineapple upside down cake. I had it on my plate, I had taken my fork to cut off a piece, was about an inch from my mouth; when the peanut gallery started to yell. “Don’t do it!” “You have worked so hard” “Once you start you won’t stop” Then I did it, I went back to the kitchen put my piece back and gave a sigh. Peer pressure made me not eat something I shouldn’t have….but in a sick kinda way I wish I would have. My huhhy said he was proud, and that made me feel better, then he brought me some oranges. That will have to satisfy my sweet tooth until my goals are meet.

On a different note…has anyone ever heard of Macca? It is suppose to help with fertility.
quote of the day:
When temptation comes, you can invent a delete key in your mind—perhaps the words from a favorite hymn. Your mind is in charge; your body is the instrument of your mind. When some unworthy thought pushes into your mind, replace it with your delete key. Worthy music is powerful and can help you control your thoughts (see D&C 25:12).”

Boyd K. Packer, “Prayer and Promptings,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 46

Because I can't wait....My diet part3 and my before and after pics!!!

2010-05-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

So this is my supplement regiment .

Since I am not a doctor I will include the medical take on it , then tell you what I have noticed at the end.

Cinnamon

“The spice can help to control the blood sugar levels in the body and could lower bad cholesterol (LDL) levels significantly. It can also lower triglycerides and total cholesterol. Research has shown that when a person suffering from Type 2 diabetes added one gram of cinnamon to their diet each day for 40 days, their blood sugar levels decreased by a significant amount. Their bad cholesterol, triglycerides, and total cholesterol levels were lowered considerably as well.”
Natural Health

Red Raspberry Leaf

Red Raspberry Leaf has a highly nutritive ingredient which aids in its ability to tone the uterus and muscles of the pelvic region. Red Raspberry is a powerful fertility-promoting herb
Damianaherb.org

Omega 3 Fish oil
"Studies show that infertility is directly related to the amount of fish oil you consume. Fish oil balances hormones, improves hormonal levels and increases blood flow to the uterus. The more Omega 3 fatty acids you get the greater your odds of conceiving."
Bella online articles

Prenatal vitamin
"Prenatal vitamins are excellent to use while a woman is trying to become pregnant. Many studies have shown that woman who used prenatal vitamins had a significant increased number of conceptions."
Healing from about

Apple Cider vinegar 2tspn before each meal.

Promotes weight loss

Reduces sugar cravings

Aids in digestion — ACV helps stimulate your stomach acid which aids in the digestion of protein and fats. Healthy digestion is important for overall health and weight control.

Weight control — Apple cider vinegar speeds up metabolism especially when taken regularly before meals and if used with a sensible diet and exercise program. ACV has also been proven to help burn fat!

Helps prevent dandruff, itching scalp, baldness (common with PCOS!!)

Helps maintain healthy skin

Restores your body’s pH balance — Your blood is supposed to be slightly alkaline, but poor diet and lifestyle choices harm that pH balance. As your blood becomes acidic, the stage is set for illness. Acidity has also been shown to affect fertility. Women who have hostile cervical mucus have also been shown to have a higher acidity in their body. This is essential for those of you trying to conceive as ACV helps restore your body’s pH.

Believe it or not, recent studies have proven that ACV is also incredibly beneficial in controlling insulin resistance. Actually, this study showed ACV to be just as helpful in controlling IR as Metformin and other insulin sensitizing drugs !

{Belive it or not but this list could go on and on }

PCOS Info

Since taking these I have noticed a difference in energy, my cycle has become more regular and less painful. I think I have even lost some weight.

I am always on the look out for new things to try what do you take that has helped you?

So last but not least here is my before and after pic:

Quote of the day:

"There has come to you as your birthright something beautiful and sacred and divine. Never forget that. Your Eternal Father is the great Master of the universe. He rules over all, but He also will listen to your prayers as His daughter and hear you as you speak with Him. He will answer your prayers. He will not leave you alone."

Gordon B. Hinckley, "Stay on the High Road," Ensign, May 2004, 112

Love
Tiff

My diet part 2

2010-05-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

What do I eat?

Salad.

I have always been a salad fan so eating more has been an issue for me, I do spruce it up a bit though. When ever we have fajitas or pulled pork {really anything that goes in bread or tortillas} I put it on top of my salad. Spinach is a great source of folic acid So I try to eat that as much as possible.

Veggies.

I love my veggies. I eat them as snacks, and with meals . My goal is to try and get 5 servings or more a day.

Fruit

Fruit has become my sweet craving. I have this when ever I feel like I need a sweet fix. This is also something I try eat enough servings of.

Carbs

I know that there is a rumor going around that carbs are bad. I don’t think that this is quite true, for not all carbs are created equal. In the last book I read “the Fertility Diet” He talked a lot on low carb vs. Slow carbs. He talked about how high processed carbs such as white flour and corn flakes will actually raise the blood sugar instantly {which is not always a good thing with PCOS} and slow carbs take a longer time to raise the blood sugar disputing nutrients along the way. So as a result of this I have cut out high processed carbs. Do you remember yesterday when I said I cut out pasta? Well I kinda lied. I actually still eat pasta every week , the difference? I make it myself taking out the anything that is processed. It only has three ingredients whole wheat flour, salt, and eggs. Simple, yummy and healthy. {You can find the recipes I use on my other blog here.}

Beans

I try to have beans everyday the health benefits are amazing and in the fertlity diet it says it can actually raise infertility. My favorite way to have bean is on salad I don’t know why it just taste so good.

Fat

I do not eat trans fat at all. Did I mention that yesterday? I can’t remember. Although I don’t eat trans fat I do eat unsaturated fat like olive oil, avocados, almonds fish. Even my oat meal has some ( It has Flax Seed in it. I also eat some saturated fat. In the Fertility Diet book {geez I should get paid for how much I talk about it} It talks about how just by stopping eating trans fat and eating unsaturated and saturated fat you can kick start your ovulation.

Grains.

Every morning I eat a 7 grain oat meal. {It looks like sweet feed my hubby says} For sweets I add Jelly that is from sprouts that has just straw berries and natural pectin. It taste so good.! I also put a cup of whole milk in to get my dairy serving.

Dairy

I have two servings of whole dairy a day.

I think that this is it. Tomorrow I will post about the supplements I take. I also will post my 2 month picture. If you have any questions about my diet just email me or leave a comment. I hope this has helped I have noticed just by eating more of the good I feel good. What is your favorite snack? How have you changed your diet to reach your baby dreams?

Quote of the day:

"Should there be anyone who feels he is too weak to do better because of that greatest of fears, the fear of failure, there is no more comforting assurance to be had than the words of the Lord: 'My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them' (Ether 12:27)."

Thomas S. Monson, "Our Sacred Priesthood Trust," Ensign, May 2006, 57

Love

Tiff

My Diet part 1 Foods I avoid

2010-05-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

My diet in a net shell.

I have deicide to do this in three parts. Today I will talk about what I stopped eating and what the benefits I have seen come from this.

My diet is pretty easy, I do not follow a plan I have tried to in the past and although the results were desirable in the end I always resorted to my old ways, and gaining the weight back. (Last time I gained it back plus it brought friends with it.) So now I try to eat healthy and avoid certain things. I always listen for tips to help me out along the way.

Refined Sugar

With PCOS {correct me if I am wrong since this is my understanding} hormones in the body increases the insulin. {Which is why I assume that women have a higher chance of type 2 diabetes.} So after 2.5 years of research the conclusion that I came to for myself is to just give it up. This is something that I had to give up cold turkey, I would never do it if I didn’t. The result? For me was this:

*Weight Loss

* higher Energy

* The best news of all one 2 cm benign cyst {The key word here is one!!! Yeah!}

To replace sugar because I do have a tid bit of a sweet tooth. I eat fruit, and drink 100% fruit juice. {The only ingredient is the fruit, my favorite right now is watermelon}

Other things I have given up which I think helped me with the above benefits.

White Rice

White Flour

Pasta ( I will talk more about this tomorrow)

Skim Milk ( In the Fertility Diet it talks about how this can help hinder fertility where as Whole Milk and Whole Dairy products can help it, but only by eating no more no less then 2 servings)

Soy products. ( This is especially for men it decreases their fertility Source:Conceive Magazine )

Saturated Fat

Caffeine

I think that because I have given all this junk up it has really helped me and it has only but 2 months!

There is a really good pod cast from Conceive Magazine about the food we eat and how it effects fertility Here is the link!

I hope this helped, it is just impossible to write it all out in one day.

Tomorrow I am going to blog about all the wonderful food I eat that have really helped me out.
Quote of the day:
"In my quiet moments, I think of the future with all of its wonderful possibilities and with all of its terrible temptations. I wonder what will happen to you in the next 10 years. Where will you be? What will you be doing? That will depend on the choices you make, some of which may seem unimportant at the time but which will have tremendous consequences.

"Someone has said, 'It may make a difference to all eternity whether we do right or wrong today' (James Freeman Clarke, in Elbert Hubbard's Scrap Book [1923], 95).

"You have the potential to become anything to which you set your mind. You have a mind and a body and a spirit. With these three working together, you can walk the high road that leads to achievement and happiness. But this will require effort and sacrifice and faith."

Gordon B. Hinckley, "Stay on the High Road," Ensign, May 2004, 112-13

Love
Tiff

Awakening

2010-05-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

Today went pretty good. I finally got my TCM guide to infertility and so far it’s pretty good. I will give you a full report later. Today was also the first day that I have actually remembered to write down what I ate and I got to say that I did alright if anything I didn’t eat enough {which has always been my problem}. I have been thinking a lot about what positive changes can I make in my life, and one is limited time to technology. I have decided that I spend to much time on the computer or watching tv. I am trying to escape life instead of living it. I am so blessed and what do I do with it? Nothing. I have so many talents that I have lost because I am doing nothing about it. That ended today. I only turn on the tv once and that was for Oprah…{why is that show so addicting?} I played with my little girl all day today. I learned something new {how to make pasta}. I didn’t read my scriptures to read them I ponder them, I studied them, I enjoyed them.

It is so easy to get to the point on this journey where all you have in tunnel vision, forget the events that surround you . I know that this is how I can get. The house could be burning down but if that doesn’t help my “baby wanting dreams” then who cares. Well I want to say good bye to that person, and hello to the women I met today. How could I live so long only going through the motions of life?

Am I the only one who gets like this? I am so glad I had this awakening! What has awaken you?

Quote:

“The real life we’re preparing for is eternal life. Secular knowledge has for us eternal significance. Our conviction is that God, our Heavenly Father, wants us to live the life that He does. All we can learn that is true while we are in this life will rise with us in the Resurrection. And all that we can learn will enhance our capacity to serve.”

Henry B. Eyring, “Real-Life Education,” New Era, Apr. 2009, 8

35 days later....

2010-05-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

and af flow came to visit!!!! I really think that this sugar thing is working out, 1st it was the cyst and now this a visit from AF 60-40 days early. Seriously it not in the triple digits!!! Lets see what happens next month. I also got a new DVD Fertility Yoga. I tried it the other night and have come to the conclusion that I need more practice in regular Yoga before I can try this. I also need to build my upper body strength and flexibility.
Next week I am thinking maybe Wednesday I will post my diet outline. I am just finishing some portable guides that I would like to share.
I hope all is well!
Love,
Tiff

Advice for sale! 5 cents a pop

2010-04-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

I find that since I have started down this path I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I am not one of those types who gets offended at baby announcements. I am generally happy for them. As I was reading Busted Plumbing (Which if you want a good read I would diffently go read her blog) talked about things that can offend an infertile. I think it is different for each person. For me there are a few that take me to my sad place. Here are the ones I can think of:

1. “I heard if you lose weight you will get pregnant.” or “ I had a friend who lost weight and she got pregnant maybe that will work for you”

I don’t know about you guys but weight is my Achilles heel. I feel like a soccer punch to my gut when ever I hear this . I mean how would you feel if I said you know those jeans would fit you better if you lost some weight? I could go on and on but I think I have made my point.

2. “ At least you have one.”

If the last one was a soccer punch this one is a hit to the groin. I know how blessed I am to have my baby. I don’t really know how to express how much this affects me. I watch my child play alone, I watch her ask why all her friends have brothers and sisters, I have even seen her had “make believe” brothers and sisters. The idea of a big family will never leave my mind, the idea of my husband being a father again is something I will continue to hold on to. My infertility doesn’t just effect my life but it effects each person in my family in some way. So I might have one but I know that we have more children that are waiting to join our family.

3. “Just relax”

Isn’t this what you use to hear in school when that big test was coming? Will this is just a reminder infertility isn’t as easy as relaxing for a test. Believe me if this was a test I would have Aced it along time ago.

4. DON”T TAKE YOUR BABY BUMP FOR GRANTED

I don’t know why this gets on my nerves but it really does. I know pregnancy is hard I have been there, but sometimes you don’t realize the miracle from within. I think this comes from having taking my 1st and only one for granted. I truly thought I was a fertile and took it at face value. Now I have seen the light. I am super excited for your child to come in to the world except when I hear things like this:

I can’t believe I am pregnant again. Just what I don’t need!

IF I have this baby now sure it will be premature but it will survive (34 weeks pregnant)

One drink or smoke won’t do that much damage.

I wish I could say I was making this up, but people have said these things to me. Children are a blessing. Being pregnant with a child is a blessing. I understand it is uncomfortable. I don’t know maybe I am just crazy. When ever I think of how a pregnant lady should behave I think of my two SILS (One is pregnant and one just had her 2nd) They were and are so happy and even though they were or are uncomfortable there was never a doubt they knew how blessed they were and are. I truly hope that when I am pregnant again I will remember their actions and behave in a like manner.

I think those are the big ones in my book . If you do have a friend who is infertile let me give you some advice how to not offend them.

1. Listen.

Before giving them advice on what they are going through, especially if you have no experience in this field listen. That’s what we infertile’s need most a listening ear.

2. If you choose to give advice.

THINK. (1) Would I like someone to say something like that to me in a trial I am going through? (2) No really how would it sound. (3) If you can’t think of anything just give them a hug (if there not that type then skip this step) tell them you will be there for them and then tell them they are in your prayers.

3. Encourage them.
Let them know you are on there team. ( I have often wondered if I made team jersey’s who would wear them eagerly.)

4. Be positive with them.
In infertility every small accomplishment is like a victory. My family is so good at this! for example. My last ultra sound showed one normal cyst. That has never happened to me. I always have at least four on one ovary and they need to be watched. When this happened my MIL seemed to be more excited then me and then made me tell my SIL who seemed to be super excited for me and so on and so on. I have never felt so loved. It is so easy to feel alone, but when we are allowed to share the good and the bad it takes some of the burden away and shows us how blessed we are.

Did I miss anything? What would you say is the best advice you have received is?

Qoute of the day:
“ My message to you today, my brothers and sisters, is simply this: the Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be careful to not overreact, nor should we be caught up in extreme preparations; but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and never lose hope!”

M. Russell Ballard, “The Joy of Hope Fulfilled,” Ensign, Nov. 1992, 31

Love you all

Tiff

The Fertility Diet

2010-04-29T12:15:00.001-07:00

I can’t believe that it is already Thursday!!! It is so crazy how fast time flies. So last night I finished the book The Fertility Diet. It was well to be honest Super Boring and I had to force myself to read it. I am so glad I did though because although the book was dull the info was really good. It basically broke down the nutrition value and how it helps you obtain you goal. He then showed his evidence through the National Nurse’s Study. It was refreshing to know I was doing a lot of things right and scary to know what I was doing wrong. He also includes a lot of good tips for women struggling with PCOS. So here are the most interesting things I have learned.

1. “Trans fats are a powerful deterrent to ovulation an conception”

Now I know we all know that trans fats are bad, but I never thought it would be that bad but it make since. This also makes me a bit sad because I love my Tobacco flavored Cheese its. Would it be distasteful to have a funeral for trans fat by eating it? Ahhh I guess the best answer is to stay away. I also learned that on those funny little nutritional labels that they can say no trans fat if it has fewer then .5 grams in it; so you have to look for key words such as “partially hydrogenated vegetable oil” and “vegetable shortening”. {This must be pretty important for he mention’s to look out for it 4 times in that chapter.}

2. “ The amount of carbohydrates in (a) diet doesn’t affect fertility, but the quality of those carbohydrates does” …… “ …cold breakfast cereals, white rice, and potatoes were linked with a higher of ovulatory infertility.”

NOOOOO!!!!! How sad is this info? All of the above food are staples in my house. What am I going to do? Bring out the black veil for I am in morning over my favorite foods. I guess brown rice isn’t that bad and I don’t like cereal so that’s good, but potatoes? COME ON! I am from Idaho how can I not eat potatoes‘. I just got to keep telling myself I will be happy in the long run.

3. “Among women with …PCOS , this amount of weight loss (7%) can not only restore ovulation and menstruation but can also clear the skin and curb excess facial hair.”

I love this! 7% seems much easier then the lbs that I really need to lose. I literally read this and thought holy cow I am almost there! I then I got the good feeling butterflies in my tummy and the world was good…even if for now it doesn’t include potatoes.

4. “Taking folic acid may also somehow directly stimulate ovulation”

Now they recommend 400mcg of folic acid in a multi vitamin. How exciting is this I knew to take while trying just in case but I never knew that it would help to become pregnant! All I can think is yeah I am doing something right.

So there are some things that I learned. All in all the knowledge that I received was totally worth reading it. I plan to follow it as best I can. I do recommend it to any one who is struggling to have a baby I am hopping that it will help me with my long term goal of being pregnant.

My next book I am planning on reading is The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies

So I will let you know how it goes. What books have you read that have helped you?

BOOK INFO: The Fertility Diet: Groundbreaking Research Reveals Natural Ways to Boost Ovulation and Improve Your Chances of Getting Pregnant (Hardcover)

~

Jorge Chavarro (Author) , Walter Willett (Author), Patrick Skerrett (Author)
You can find this book for a good deal on Amazon I think I found it there for like $6.00.

“Our challenges, including those we create by our own decisions, are part of our test in mortality. Let me assure you that your situation is not beyond the reach of our Savior. Through Him, every struggle can be for our experience and our good (see D&C 122:7). Each temptation we overcome is to strengthen us, not destroy us. The Lord will never allow us to suffer beyond what we can endure (see 1 Corinthians 10:13).”

Robert D. Hales, “Becoming Provident Providers Temporally and Spiritually,” Ensign, May 2009, 7

Tiff

My story

2010-04-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

So now you know the facts about infertility I thought I would share my story and how infertility affects me.

I always knew that I wanted a big family. When I was little, even now I have watched as sisters, bond and are so close to one another. Brothers who are truly best friends. I always knew that this is something I wanted for my family. So after I found out I was pregnant with my daughter the joy within my heart was huge. Everything was normal and when she was born so was the best day of my life. It wasn't until a year and nine months later when I had the first glimpse to what path I would later take. After a routine OBGYN appointment I found out I was pregnant again. I asked to make sure that I was and they told me they tested me twice and I was for sure pregnant. I was so overwhelmed with happiness, I couldn't wait to tell my hubby, the world was good. The OBGYN knew we had been trying for awhile and he seemed happy for us as well. Then a week later after my 2nd blood test I received a call that still haunts me right down to my heart. It was the doctor, the phone call went something like this

Me: Hello

Dr.I forgot to care: Hi Tiffany great news!

Me: yeah!!!

Dr I forgot to care: you're not pregnant

Me: ohh

Dr I forgot to care: It was probably chemical, well call me when you get a positive.

Me: Thanks I guess {then I hung up quickly and had a good cry}

That was my last positive test and the last time I saw that Dr. Although for some reason this story is still a tid bit traumatic for me still, it did give me the courage to seek help.

Three weeks later I went to see the specialist whom will now be named Dr.Strange Man. It was through him that I learned that while I was pregnant with my number1 and only, Dr I forgot to care, gave me some bad advice. He told me to eat and enjoy because this was one of the only times in life where I can; without feeling guilty. That advice led me to 70lb weight gain and PCOS. Through Dr Strange Man I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and PCOS. All though Dr Strange Man didn't help become pregnant he did teach me some very important lessons about me.

1. Be your own advocate. I know everyone knows this; and so do I but I was so far into I need a baby land that I didn't care what I was given or how I was given it. {for more details, you can email me}

2. Ask questions about everything and don't leave until you understand the answer. The great thing about Dr Strange Man was that he allowed me to ask as many questions as I needed. He would also call me back when ever I needed reassurance.

3. It is ok to question any medication that you are prescribed. like one time from a different Dr I was given a prescription for something that may help fertility but also helps Endometriosis grow rapidly. So always know what is going in your mouth.

4. Don't be afraid of taking a break. This statement is hard to think about; but every now and then on this roller coaster you, and your body need a break. Every now then take a chance to regroup and set new goals. This helps in so many different ways. This will also help you be super relaxed for your next cycle.

5. The last one I promise. Go easy on yourself. It is so easy to blame yourself when things go wrong, if I only did this, if I didn't do that. First of all this type of thinking is not only dangerous to yourself confidence but it can also hurt you personally. Take each cycle and learn from it so that you can do better. Each experience has the potential to help you achieve your goals but only if you let it. Women who go through this are strong, but often think themselves as so weak. It is time to change this perception not everyone can go through this, but those who do end up better for it.

Trials are what makes us able to handle the hard while still seeing the good.

One more thing that I have learned. Surround yourself with people who want you to succeed and be happy. I have people whom when I need that pick me up always some how know when to call. It is an amazing feeling to know that even though they might not understand what I am going through, I can still talk to them about it. They get excited when I do and the always lend their support when something doesn’t go my way.

I no longer see Dr. Strange Man. My hubby lost his job a year ago and that put the end to expensive treatments. My fertility plan now goes as follows become healthy. Right now that is all I need to do. I am also looking in to TCM {Traditional Chinese Medicine}. I hope this has helped you understand a little of what my story is all about.
"Faith is not a theological platitude. It is a fact of life. Faith can become the very wellspring of purposeful living. There is no more compelling motivation to worthwhile endeavor than the knowledge that we are children of God, the Creator of the universe, our all-wise Heavenly Father! God expects us to do something with our lives, and he will give us help when help is sought.”

Gordon B. Hinckley, "With All Thy Getting Get Understanding," Ensign, Aug. 1988, 2

Tiff

niaw:fact and figures + some new clothes

2010-04-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

So for today's niaw I wanted to show you the figures. It's scary to know I am one of those numbers, but it is also somewhat comforting to know I am not alone. Everyday someone breaks free of these numbers, and I know there will be a day when I or one of my friend's will.

One in six couples worldwide has some type of infertility problem

Forty percent of infertility cases are linked to men and 40 percent to women. In 20 percent of cases there is a joint problem.
Fertility decreases as a woman ages and approaches the menopause. Women are generally thought to be at their most fertile between 20 and 25 years old.
Hormonal disorders, damaged or blocked fallopian tubes and endometriosis, a condition in which tissue that normally lines the uterus is found elsewhere in the body, are common causes of female infertility.
Low sperm count or poor sperm shape or swimming ability are the major problems in male infertility.
A normal couple in their mid-20s having regular sex have a one in four chance of conceiving each month. Infertility is defined as the inability of a couple to conceive after a year of trying.

Europe leads the world in fertility treatments. In 2002 more than 324,000 treatments were reported in 23 European countries, an increase of 12 percent from the previous year. More than half took place in Germany, France and Britain. In the United States 115,000 treatments were performed in 2002

This information comes from: Mail Online Health

for the lighter side of my post I finally have my goal outfits picked out and bought! Want to see them? Well ok! The first is my casual outfit.

It is a pair of American Eagle long shorts{size 14}

and a shirt from CKU {size medium}. This outfit cost me a total of $6.00

My second outfit is a church outfit

the Khaki Skirt from Gap {size14}

and the shirt is from Walmart {size jr's XL}

This outfit cost me $5.00 dollars. I love how the shirt has a longer back, so no bottoms can be seen.

So what do you think? I know your wondering what my secret is on how I can get these for super cheap. The answer Goodwill dollar day! {I love it!}, I get great deals there! Anyway my plan is to get the next size smaller until I am in my dream size or until I need maternity.. ;). I want to fit inside of these in two weeks and I am so close to being almost there! but I hope my next one month picture update I will be in them.

What are your goal outfits?

Don't judge yourself by what you understand of your potential. Trust in the Lord and what He can do with your dedicated heart and willing mind (see D&C 64:34). Order your life more effectively and eliminate trivia, meaningless detail, and activity. They waste the perishable, fixed, and limited resource of time. Choose to emphasize those matters that have an eternal consequence."Permanent, worthwhile growth is attainable, but not without great effort and the honest application of truth. Worthy accomplishment is founded in integrity. Righteousness is fundamental to happiness and desirable attainment. Righteousness is rooted in a pure heart. And indeed it protects one from contamination and the filth of the world. Righteous love is the supreme motivation for constructive change. The examples of our Father in Heaven and the Savior and Their teachings are the perfect source of motivation and direction for life."

~ Richard G. Scott, "Making the Right Choices" (CES fireside for young adults, Jan. 13, 2002), 4

Infertility Week

2010-04-26T00:14:00.000-07:00

This week is Infertility Awareness week and as I am writing this post listening to one of my favorite hymns; Where can I turn for peace?. I wanted to share why I started this blog. As I thought what could I write to express the importance it has in my life the tranquility this hymn brings is so wonderful. So I thought I would share my first post again, I still believe everything I wrote when I started this ~~struggle~~ journey. Which I think is saying a lot. This week I will try and share more of my story and the story of others.

FIRST EVER POST ON THIS BLOG
I am starting this blog based on prayer. Infertility is hard, painful, and emotional. I never thought that I would be one of thousands dealing with this. I never thought it would consume so much of my thoughts. But here we are. This is a journey, it will have a happy ending. You may ask how do I know? Will it is all on faith and trust. I strongly believe that I am the only one who can control how I look at things. Sometimes I think to myself how I wish this was over, I am sure we all do. The only way to get through it is to go through it.

At the beginning I said that this was started through prayer, why? I needed an outlet to get out all the things that consume me. So I can get back into physical, mental and spiritual shape. I don't know about you, but I can no longer bottle this up. The more I shove into this tiny bottle the more I lose myself. I am ready to heal, so that I can be healed.

There are so many lesson that we can learn from each other. We each need a Cheering section. If you are reading this because you to are suffering from longing, then we are uniquely bonded. Let us go through this together as only people who know can. Let us be there for each other. If you are reading this to try and understand, thank you. We need you too.

I will be back soon I hope we all can become friends!

I may not know you, but I want to .

If you are want to learn more about this journey 1 in 8 women will take please click on the following links.

http://%20www.resolve.org/infertility101

If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out:
http:// www.resolve.org/takecharge

If you want to know more about Project IF head over to:
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/
{ I have to give a shout out to Tami over at My Infertile life UNEDITED I tolally coppied the links from her blog}
"When filled with God's love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us."

John H. Groberg, "The Power of God's Love," Ensign, Nov. 2004, 11

Tiffany

So you know that no sugar thingy.....

2010-04-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

No I haven't fallen off the band wagon or anything like that; it actually just the opposite. I am still kicking strong as ever. I just wanted to give you all an update. I went to the doctor a week ago and not only have I lost 4 more lbs but I had an internal ultra sound. Now every ultrasound that I have been to I have had multiple cyst on both ovaries. So imagine my surprise when the doctor says well I only see one clear cyst!!!! Now my first thought was OK now how many are on the left? but no one total!!!! I totally think that it is the no sugar thingy that is working.
I might have shed a happy tear here and there but I have already noticed the difference in the clothes I am wearing. I wasn't able to fit into my shorts from two years ago and I was going to ~~throw them away~~ donate then but then I deiced to try them on. Guess what they fit!!! Holy cow I cannot believe it.
So this is the trend I think that I am going to keep following. Next week I am also going to start working out again, I think I burnt myself out so I am going to take it easy and start my yoga again.

So how did your week go?

“None of us makes it through this life without problems and challenges—and sometimes tragedies and misfortunes. After all, in large part we are here to learn and grow from such events in our lives. We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will be saddened. However, we are told, ‘Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.’

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: ‘Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.’ ”

Thomas S. Monson, “Be of Good Cheer,” Ensign, May 2009, 89

Love
Tiff

Jamie Oliver’s food revolution.

2010-04-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

*I posted this on my other blog and wanted to post here as well.
SO I have kinda gotten myself addicted to the show called Jamie Oliver’s food revolution. What I like about it is that it really represents anywhere USA, every walk of life and what we have become. I must admit I have fallen victim to the faster the better method of cooking, I liked my foods with a 30yr shelve life and the I have even ignored the truth of what it is doing to me; which is this I am over weight, infertile, and really physically depleted. Since I have stopped eating sugar I have stopped eating the process foods that I am used to eating. What really got me to change my ways was when Jamie showed how to make chicken nuggets. We are a family who used to eat chicken nuggets a lot. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a staple in our home. After watching this clip it made me seriously rethink it why? Will I will let you watch and you can tell me if this is something you want you kids to eat.

So now because of this clip I gag at chicken nuggets now. So I now announce my first ever blog carnival Saturday’s are now Food Revolution Saturday! It’s pretty simple every Saturday blog about how you have made a change. It could be about how you have made over a recipe, tricks to getting your kids to eat their veggies, or even one little thing that has made difference. You can even blog about this past weeks show. So how about it are you in?

If you have missed any of the past shows thanks to hulu you can watch them right here!

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Let me know if you are joining this carnival so that I can add your blog on my side bar!

So grab a button add your link and start blogging!

Can you tell?

2010-04-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well it has been just about a month since I gave up sugar . So can you tell the difference? I have lost at least 8lbs!

What in the name of Mother Hubbard?

2010-03-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a good day, why? you ask. Will I got an new DR. and when it came to that dreaded 7 letter {two worded phrase} weigh in I was pleasantly surprise to find out I lost 6 lbs. That's right 6lbs!!! 4lbs away from 10lb ! Super excited.
I was also surprised to find out how much I enjoyed a women Dr. I have only seen men so this was a nice change. {some how I got it in my head that women Dr's know to much with how I feel or some junk like that} So you can see what a surprise that was for me. It was really nice because we talked for a good 20 Min's about what I could do to lose weight and to get pregnant. So here is the plan no more whites: White Bread, White Rice. White Pasta and anything with enrich white flour. {I don't think that will be to bad I really like whole wheat things. Does anyone have a Good whole wheat biscuit recipe} The other part is No More Sugar! Now I actually started this a week ago and I am happy to say it has gone great. I don't even really crave sugar anymore. Although I have had sugar coated dreams lately were I haven't indulged and woke up so mad! I keep thinking its a dream that's were I am suppose to have sugar but even there I am denied. Whats a girl to do?
Love,
Tiff

"Spirituality yields two fruits. The first in inspiration to know what to do. The second is power, or the capacity to do it. These two capacities come together. That's why Nephi could say, 'I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded' (1 Nephi 3:7). He knew the spiritual laws upon which inspiration and power are based. Yes, God answers prayer and gives us spiritual direction when we live obediently and exercise the required faith in Him."
Richard G. Scott, "To Acquire Spiritual Guidance," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 7

So Whats up now? small VENT

2010-03-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

So you may be wondering where I have been. I fell off the band wagon. How I was doing so good! Well, two weeks ago as coming out of JoAnns a group of boys started yelling rude things about my weight. {I will not repeat what I heard; just know if their mothers where there they would be embarrassed} I wish I could say I held my head up high and let their words bounce off my like as if I were rubber. The sad truth how ever is that when I pulled out of the parking lot and I cried. Then I fell out and hit the ground hard. I didn't realize how much I cared what those around me think, but when it comes to my weight I guess I do. So these past two weeks have been hard filled with food that would not fill my emotional state.
The truth is after looking at myself I do not like how I look. I do not think that I look good in anything. I feel like crap. I think that this might be a whole new rock bottom. Which is good maybe I turn spin this into a new beginning. The sad thing is I know the words effected me so much because that is how I already feel about myself. Its so funny I always say I hate drama, and here I feel like my life is made up of it. Ohh the drama we create.
Well I think that's enough from me for right now thank you so much for letting me vent.
Tiff

Today's Goal: Something Funny!!!

2010-03-10T22:59:00.000-08:00

Hmm I love old ads!

Love,

Tiff

Today's Goal Dream outfits!

2010-03-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

So this is one of my favorite things to do when I am in a slump. It helps remind me f what could come from hard work ! So I have a couple of outfits for you today.

Out fit #1 Living in Arizona it is hot! So an essential to anyone's wardrobe is shorts. So this is my AZ everyday outfit....{I have already bought the shorts in a size smaller and I will post pictures of me in them as soon as I fit into them!} I am loving the farm chic tops!

Outfit #2 Dresses, I love dresses! So when I saw this dress I imagined going to Church and the Temple and everything in it!

Outfit #3 A swim suit. In the early summer we live in the pool. I love the fact that swim suits have swim shorts for them. I would love to look super cute in this {wink wink}

Outfit #4 Another church outfit. Skirts are fun too!

Outfit #5 My last one I promise! Everyone needs a great pair of pants and a cute top! { Can you tell this might be something I do alot!}

So what do you think? What are your dream outfits? This is one thing that keeps me motivated, why? because there is nothing greater then feeling good in what you are wearing! I can't wait to see what your dream outfits are!

Quote of the day:

Love ya all!

Tiff

Super Duper long post from a lazy blogger....

2010-03-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

I know I know I have been off but; every time I look at my blog I love looking at the picture of my goals list. So with that being said this post will hold all my goals from the last week that I didn't post plus this weeks goals and Menu....

FRIDAY: Goal: Do something nice for hubby.....
So poor hard working hubby has been excluded from the snacks he likes. So for this Sunday I had to make Brownies for my Scripture Super Star Primary Kids. Now my hubby loves a good brownie but he loves the crest more then anything. So I cut out circles and then bagged up all the crest and gave it to him with a little love note when he was craving a snack .

Saturday and SUNDAY GOAL: Find something that makes you laugh and post about... Find something that inspires you and post about it.
I had to combine these goals because, I have become obsessed with flash mob dances! They make smile and inspire me to move so here are some pretty cool ones.

And the most famous one of all...OPRAH!!!

If you watch them all you now understand why I love it.....

MONDAY GOALS: Make a Menu plan announce next weeks goals.

Menu Plan:

Monday: Stroganoff

Tuesday: Slow Cooker Marinara Chicken and Veggies

Wednesday: Parmie Pasta

Thursday: Veggie and Beef Tacos

Friday:BBQ Pizza

Saturday: BBQ pulled pork baked potatoes.

THIS WEEKS GOALS:
Monday: Make a menu for the week .
Tuesday: Find a dream outfit that you always wanted to wear and post it.
Wednesday: Find something that makes you laugh and post about it
Thursday: Do something nice for you and post about it.
Friday: Do something outside with your family post it
Saturday: Find the funny things in life and post 5 funny things about you
Sunday: Find an inspiring song and post it.

Now you know I can't leave you without a good quote:
"Success is usually earned by persevering and not becoming discouraged when we encounter challenges. Paul Harvey, the famous news analyst and author, once said: 'Someday I hope to enjoy enough of what the world calls success so that someone will ask me, "What's the secret of it?" I shall say simply this: "I get up when I fall down" ' (quoted in Marvin J. Ashton, Conference Report, Oct. 1981, 126)."
James E. Faust, "Perseverance," Ensign, May 2005, 51

Love,
Tiff

2010-03-04T12:48:00.000-08:00

Today's goal is this
Find something that motivates you make a collage and post it. So above you can see my collage. I think that it is self explanatory, but just in case you were wondering:

THE TAPE MEASURES: I find it more motivating to lose inches then weight. They come off faster and mean clothing rewards.

THE WRAP DRESS: Lets face when it comes to cup size I am huge. So when wearing a wrap dress I instantly think of a 1940's overweight house wife. I love the style I would love to look nice in it.

THE DRESS SLACKS: I love dress slacks and would love to wear some where you can't see my love handles.

THE MULTITUDE OD BABIES: I want a large healthy family....I love this pictures has children of every race; because I want to adopt one day.

THE SWIM SUITS: This year on my family vacation I would like to look nice and not like a beach whale.

THE LADY RUNNING: I will never be her since I hate to run, but I want to look like I love it!

HEALTHY FOOD: I want this to be a habit... don't tell anyone but I think I am going quit sugar..mostly it will be grieved!

THE LADY HOLDING HER PREGNANT BELLY: I want to be her. I can't without healthy living!

So what are your motivations? What do you want to be?

Yesterdays goal was to do something for yourself. Well it has been a long time since I made anything for me so I deiced to make fabric coasters.I used a tutorial I found at Paper Butterfly {awesome blog} I have this black and white material that I love and I backed it with hot pink material. So what do you guys think?

I hope everyone took some time out to figure out their muse and did somthing for them!

I would like to end with a quote:

"The past is behind--we must learn from it. The future is ahead--we must prepare for it. The present is now—we must live in it."
Thomas S. Monson, "Three Gates to Open," CES Fireside for Young Adults, Jan. 14, 2001

Love,

Tiff

I am in a slump!

2010-03-04T00:24:00.000-08:00

I have started writing this post twice now. I feel that the first two where to dark and I really don't like where that is leaving me. Have you ever had one of those days where the thoughts in your head just feel horrible? That has been my day... I am in need of a do-over! I haven't been able to meet my goals because Megs has been sick and lets face I too am sore!
{WARNING: RANT THAT IS MORE LIKE A TEMPER TANTRUM COMING AHEAD ! IF YOU DO NOT WANT DRAMA TURN AWAY NOW!}
I have just had one of those days! Maybe its all the gifts I am making for baby showers, or the fact that people think I need to hear " at least you have one" {Which I know I am so blessed for, but when you have a dream of having a large family....I will just save it for another post and leave it at that} or the fact that even my child is noticing all of her friends Mommy's have a baby in their tummy. I don't know I think I am in one of those I am going to take a day mood. As most know from my last weeks post I had a cyst rupture. It hurt, but it has also lead to some very interesting comments; like I know you are pregnant. {SIDE NOTE: I have had a cyst rupture before, it was right after my honey moon and 5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant} so I know that what being said is in good intentions but, in the end it has effect me more then I thought it would. Does anyone know what I mean? I feel completely alone on this. I just don't think lighting will strike twice in this case, last time I was healthy this time I am not and that is just the simple facts. SHOULD I LET MYSELF HOPE OR PROTECT MY HEART? I am just in a down mood. I feel like I am on a never ending cycle I keep trying to find my energy fountain but I haven't. Any way well that's it. I am going to put on my BIG GIRL PANTIES, smile and not give up. I did have an aha moment in finally realizing that this was going to be harder then I thought but I guess that was bound to happen.
{RANT OVER}
So I thought I would leave you with something to give some good feelings my favorite a nice quote:Even when you feel the truth of [the] capacity and kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure. The Prophet Joseph Smith cried out in agony in a dungeon:
“ ‘O God, where are thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?’(D&C 121:1–2). . . .
“The Lord’s reply has helped me and can encourage us all in times of darkness. Here it is: ‘My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes’ (D&C 121:7–8).”
Henry B. Eyring, “Adversity,” Ensign, May 2009, 24–25 {THIS MADE ME SHED A TEAR}
Tiff

Meal planning, and new goals for the next week.

2010-02-28T23:18:00.000-08:00

So this week was a struggle being drugged and all. So this is a new week new goals which will be posted on the side.

Meals for this week { I am only going to dinner} If you want more leave me a comment and I will let you know.

Monday

Stuffed Bell Peppers

Tuesday

@ my parents

Wednesday

Sweet and Sour chicken rice bowls

Thursday

Pepper Pot Roast

Friday

Grilled Chicken Parmesan

Saturday

Salmon in apricot sauce

As for the goals of this week:

Monday

Make a meal plan and grocery list for the week

Tuesday

Take a walk and enjoy nature with your family post about it

Wednesday

Do something nice for you and blog about it.

Thursday

Find something that motivates you make a collage and post it

Friday

Do something nice for your hubby and post about it

Saturday:

Find something that makes you laugh and post about

Sunday

Find an inspiring quote or scripture post it

* Don't forget to write in your journal and take down your weight and measurements.

Have a great week!

Love

Tiff!

If it not one thing it's another and this days goal.

2010-02-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

So here I am doing so good on my goals, then it happens pain. It felt like labor, I was dizzy and couldn't stand it was horrible. So what do I do what a little bit here bad news from a friend and plan an emergency trip to Utah. {yes I was still in pain; but she needed me} Then the pain just got worse. {maybe due to the stress of having to leave and pack in the morning. So my hubby says enough is enough and takes me to the ER. They got me back pretty quickly {i think due to the pain ...it was bad} Then the fun started! Mark couldn't go back with me because of Megs and RSV season . Needless to say I was scared. { I have never sat in a ER by myself} So when the DR came in I might have started to hyperventilate when he was pressing and asking where it hurt. So then came the blood test. It took 2 hours, 4 nurses and 11 pokes to finally get the blood they needed. { I felt so bad for the nurses I have little rolly polly that disappear} Then I got three shots in the bum to make the pain go away and it did! {for a little bit anyway} Then I had every ones favorite the internal ultra sound! Then the problem was found. One of my cyst had ruptured and guess what I have three more on each side. So the pain was and is there for a reason. Don't my ovaries know I am on a break to get healthy? Jeez.. So since the meds I am on makes me sick to my stomach it might take me a while to post. The exercise is out and the meal plan for this week is out. But everything else is in.
So without delay something that makes me laugh: Commercials

Goal for day 4 what I like about myself {warning a full brag ahead!}

2010-02-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

This is such a hard goal but the reason why I made it is because before I can change my habits and become better; I need a good head on my shoulders.Why? will I feel that with life we often forget the good, we bury our self worth and replace it with the fears and negative attitudes that a trial of infertility can bring. Does that make since? So with out further ado what I like about me,myself and I!
What I like about my mentality:
1. I love my ability to create. I really feel like it is a talent that grows on a regular basis.
2. I really like how I can remain calm in tense situation.
3. I like my since of humor. Even if not everyone gets it. {yes it is true, I am the type of person who will tell jokes to myself in my head; then laugh out loud confusing every one around me which only makes me laugh harder.}

4 I love my ability to talk to anyone and be able to contribute to the conversation, out of my library of useless facts. It funny though when I think of something to tell you ,that is useless it all seems pretty important.

5. I like how I am an optimist.

What I like about my body:
6. I like my eyes.

7. I can't believe I am going to admit this, but I like my face and its structure I always have.
8. I like my calf's they are pure muscle

That's what I like right now but soon I am hoping the list will soon grow.

SO now its your turn what do you like about yourself? Take a little time and admire the gift that we are all given. Forget about what not works and concentrate on what makes you beautiful. The only way to heal is to forget about whats wrong with you and remember what makes you special.
*** Don't forget if you want to join in with me in weight loss, the goals for the week are on the left ! Just let me know, and maybe if we get enough people we can do a giveaway! What do you think?

Quote of the day
"[The] special blending of our common origins and characteristics [together with] our unique attributes, experiences, and specialized challenges . . . makes each of us who and what we are."

Cecil O. Samuelson Jr, "Perilous Times," Ensign, November 2004, 49

Love,
Tiff

A day of spiritual rest!

2010-02-21T06:44:00.000-08:00

Enjoy!

“I hope you will go out today looking for opportunities to do as He did and to love as He loves. I can promise you the peace that you felt as a child will come to you often and it will linger with you. The promise is true that He made to His disciples: ‘Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.’
“None of us is perfect yet. But we can have frequent assurance that we are following along the way. He leads us, and He beckons for us to follow Him.”
Henry B. Eyring, “Our Perfect Example,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 73

Sweet day two goal complete!

2010-02-20T20:59:00.001-08:00

So this took longer then I thought but here it is. It is so rewarding to already have it done and to my grocery list ready go! Here is my week's meal plan

Break feast:

The odd days: Low carb breakfast cups: 84 Calories 5grams of fat {this recipes makes 18 and you can freeze it them for something fast}
The even days: Egg Mcuffin 200 Calories 2 grams of fat

Lunch:
Monday: BBQ pulled pork stuffed potato 320 calories 6 grams of fat
Tuesday: BLT wrap 280 calories
Wednesday: Southwest Chicken Salad 125 calories 2 grams of fat
Thursday White chicken chili 226 Calories 5 grams of fat
Friday: Turkey Sandwich
Saturday : Chicken Salad

Dinner:
Monday: Stroganoff {sp?} 223 calories 7 grams of fat
Tuesday: {at my parents}
Wednesday:White Chicken Chili 226 calories 5 grams of fat
Thursday: Stuffed Bell Peppers 241 Calories 8 Grams of fat
Friday BBQ chicken pizza 202 Calories 8 Grams of Fat
Saturday: Marina Chicken and veggies 115 calories 8 grams of fat

Snacks:
Oranges
Grapes
String Cheese
snap peas
sweet potatoes
Almonds

Side dishes:
Salad
Green Beans
Steamed carrots
Spinach

So that for one week it seems like a lot of food but belie it or not you have to even lose weight. What do you think? If you want any of these recipes just let me know and I an post it or email you. It feels good to get a goal done a day ! How is it going with you?
Quote of the day:
"Moral discipline is the consistent exercise of agency to choose the right because it is right, even when it is hard. It rejects the self-absorbed life in favor of developing character worthy of respect and true greatness through Christlike service (see Mark 10:42–45)."
D. Todd Christofferson, "Moral Discipline," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 105

Goal one Complete!!!

2010-02-19T21:46:00.000-08:00

So I looked at the clock at it read 9pm and I started to think I was forgetting something but what could it be? OHHH YEAH! I forgot to do my goals for today. So I whip out some paper found an old note book and worked on my 1st goal. An hour later and here it is! {Excuse the pictures they were taken with my cell phone.} The cover say " Journey To a better Me!!!" {and the quote below Says} Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't; I give myself reasons why I can! I really love that saying and am really going to work on it!
The inside has tabs on the Left that say shopping list, food journal, recipes, weights and measures.
Then on the other side is a journal that I can easily access and use!

Now here is the dreaded before picture:

Quote of the day:
My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”
Thomas S. Monson, “Be of Good Cheer,” Ensign, May 2009, 92
Simple but sweet!
Until tomorrow!
Tiff

It's been how long since day one?

2010-02-18T16:18:00.000-08:00

Where am I now? The same place I was on day one. I did learn something though....I am not a runner. I hate it even when I was fit I hated it. I recently looked in my diary from when I was 15 {I was on the basketball, and tennis team} the first thing it said was I hate running! I was only 90lbs and in great shape. So for me the fact is I was sitting myself up to fail.
The other thing I learned is DO NOT TELL FAMILY or at least not my family they always laugh it off and say like last time. So no support there. Oh well new year new plan!
THE PLAN:
I have been thinking about this and I really need support and someone to help me keep myself accountable. So who better then my best friend? We have the same issues in this category of weight. So we are going to try it together getting together every other weekend to talk and support each other maybe we will have a fun club name? {is it just me or is everything more fun with a club name?}
That's really it building a support system. You know the regulars are included eat right, exercise.yadda yadda yadda.

Oh so one more thing....I am going to a new DR. She wanted a complete blood work done. I wonder what she well say: Tiffany, guess what you test are in you need to loose some weight.
ME: No really? What do you think I have tried to do since having my DD 5 years ago?
So since I really can't say that I guess I am stuck with I have a plan!!!!

So what do you guys think? Anyone want to join? Look on the side, it has new goals and what you can expect in later posts. One for every day in fact. You can join me, it would be fun !

Here is a great quote to help lead us in the right direction:
I come to you tonight with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to 'accentuate the positive.' I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. Now I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man or woman who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his or her course. "What I am suggesting is that you turn from the negativism that so permeates our modern society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom you associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my wise father would say: 'Cynics do not contribute. Skeptics do not create. Doubters do not achieve.' "
Gordon B. Hinckley, "Be Not Afraid, Only Believe," CES Fireside for Young Adults, Sept. 9, 2001
Topics: Growth
Love
Tiffany

Day 1 !

2009-09-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

Well today was my 1st day of training. It was interesting.... I learned alot about my running ability.

I can run and that fact itself amazed me.
My sweat must have some special smell because one dog practically jump over the wall to run with me and another started to run with me. {it looked a little disappointed when I stop to walk after a min}
Drying hacking on the side of the road well make people on their way to work slow down and stare. It will also scare the person trying to sneak into their car if you accidentally make eye contact while dry heaving.
My new least favorite combination words is "brisk walk"
Do not eat and then go for your run...ouch!
Showers are amazing after a run
Smoothies are quite tasty as well!

All that aside it was an OK experience. I didn't trip like I thought I would. I can already feel the burn. On the upside I got to see the sunrise today. I think my body has been craving this since it promptly woke me up at 4am! I am so blessed to be able to this and I can feel my body healing.

quick story TMI Warning.

I have been kinda worried since I have been off the nasty hormones. I haven't been able to get a visit from Aunt Flow on my own since I started Fertility treatments. The first time after was 70days which kinda took me back a little because before this all started my longest cycle had been 42days. The other day after some scripture study I was pondering if I was doing everything I could to make myself heal. I am eating healthy, I am now getting exercise daily, and I am doing everything in my power to be healthy. Then it donned on me I haven't prayed to be healed. I don't know how I over looked this step. I prayed for a baby, a new addition to my family anything but actually the thing that could help me achieve these goals which is to heal. So after I began to pray to be healthy and healed Aunt Flow came for a visit. This cycle was only 37days... I have never been so excited for her to come. It is amazing what you can learn to love.

I would love to leave you with this thought:

"As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions to the challenges of life you would not obtain otherwise. No matter how strong your faith is, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather He will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you. Your exercise of faith will forge strength of character available to you in times of critical need. Such character is not developed in moments of great challenge or temptation. That is when it is used."
Richard G. Scott, "Living Right," Ensign, Jan. 2007, 10, 12

I hope your day is going great!

Tiffany

Couch to 5k

2009-09-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Going from this:

To this:( I just thought that this pic was to funny!)

This week I am feeling so much better! I took this week off so that I could get back into my eating habits and so I would be ready to start training for my 5k in January!!!! I was going to do the mayo clinics training, but then after the advice from a friend I deiced to do the couch to 5k training program. It sounds just like the thing I need to get ready for January.

Basically how it works is like this you run three days a week starting in small increments. Then on the off days your exercise is up to you. So this is how my schedule is going to look:

Monday: Running

Tuesday: Strength training Arms/ Shoulders with bands

Wednesday: Running

Thursday: Strength training Abs /upper body

Friday: Running

Saturday and Sunday Days of rest!

So I will post everyday to let you know how it is going hopefully. If anyone would like to do this with me I would love the support, just leave me a comment and I would love to support you as well!

This is how first weeks running is going to look like:

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging

and

90 seconds of walking

for a total of 20 minutes.

If you would like to see the whole schedule then check it out here: Cool Running

Ramblings of a tired, sick women ,

2009-09-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about this week I am just feeling so...what the word unmotivated. I don't know why this will be my forth week of dieting and I have done so well until last night when I ate two pieces of candy and a small brownie. Then I haven't worked out since last Thursday! Then on top of everything I woke up yesterday feeling a little under the weather and today I woke up sick.
So dose anyone have any tips? I need to work out today, I was going to start working out twice a day this week but I am afraid I am going to have to wait until I feel better. ugh.... I will start over today that is just what I have to do.
Any advice would be great!
Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Tiff

Still working on it.....

2009-09-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

So I wanted to write and let you know how I was doing and what I have been doing. Mark is still looking for work, and I am still on this diet craze. This is my 3rd week doing it and so far I have been doing good with a few bad days...I will call them weekends. My goal is to lose three pounds a week which you know if you have PCOS it is an up hill battle.
I have been using a book called Fertility Foods ( the price isn't that bad on Amazon I think I paid 3.00 +shipping)

Any way may main goal is to eat which I know sounds silly but for me its my down fall. My average calorie count is around 900 calories. Why so little and why does it matter you ask? Will I am guilty of skipping meals and I have been known to skip up to 10 meals a day. Which is HORRIBLE FOR YOUR BODY! (sorry didn't mean to scare you.) You see when you skip meals your body goes into oh my she starving mode and then takes all the fat from anything you and stores it up. Then when you add PCOS to it you might as well jump off a cliff grab onto a branch half way down and try to climb back up. So this my diet created by me. I eat most of my carbs in the morning with an breakfast sandwich this way I have the whole day to burn them off. In the middle of the morning I have a smoothie with natural orange juice, yogurt to sweeten it and frozen berries. ( This week I am trying vanilla Activea yogurt0 Then for lunch I have soup from Campbell's healthy select. For dinner I usually have chicken or elk ( which is super lean) I work out for at least 30mins a day and I do 20 mins of cardio every other day. Ohh I also take some prenatal vitamins, as well as 1000 grams of cinnamon and 960 grams of red raspberry leaves.

So far so good I have lost about 8lbs and 22inches. Most of this I call my hormone weight since I was on hormones for like a year. Which can I say I feel so much better not having to take them! LOL

My goal is to do a 5k by January with my ultra fit Sister in Law. So I will start training for that in October which gives me a month to feel comfy enough to start running outside...yikes!

I hope that helps anyone who is trying to lose weight I think we all have to find what works best for each of us some need more structure and some need complete independent control. The book I mention above really helps put things into perspective,

The last motivation for this diet comes from a choice that I made with my DH. I really want to be at a healthy weight before I go back to the fertility doctor. This way it is a win win.

I wish you all luck!

Love,
Tiff

2009-08-26T11:32:00.001-07:00

DAY ONE

2009-07-28T23:30:00.001-07:00

Well today was day one. How did I do you ask? Well considering that I gained weight this weekend I didn't do as well as I would have liked. I started Tuesday because whenever I start the begining of the week with something it alwas fades out... so this time I did something a little different I let my week begin before I started. I have also decied that I am going to weigh myself once a week no more no less I can't worry about the scale every single morning if you catch my drift. I am also going to take my measurements once a week as well, you know just for fun. {You lose inches faster then pounds so it always a good pick me up!}

As the eating part of plan went; today I didn't do very well at all! once the ice cream crossed my mind I was lost. What I want to do is to eat 1500 calories a day and today I ate 1790 ugh... almost three hundred over. At least tomorrow I can start over.

I did however discover a nice little gem, I don't know if you have heard about but it is called excersie.tv it has free work outs on it, and let me tell you they can kick some major tushie! They are 10-50mins long. I like it rhis site because I get bored really easy and with this I can do three 10min work outs at night and yoga on my wii in the morning. For right now it is like my perfect ying to my yang.

It has been nice to do things for my family as well, today I took Megs out for some mommy daughter time. It was nice to spend some time with my little one. She is getting so old so fast, can you belive I am already getting mailers for kindergarten...yikes!!! When I took Megs out Marks got to snooze which is always nice, I feel like we never get enough sleep!

Ohh and then Mark did the sweetest thing and let me go grocery shoping by myself...oh man sometimes it feels good to have that alone time!!!! So all in all today was a good day.

On the baby front nothing really new I think this new journey to being healthy really holds the key to becoming a fertile person again and if not then at least I won't get the "look of death" from my new doctor for being too big...

Until tomorrow, Love

Tiff

Oh yeah and don't forget to laugh it helps you out when you relize you ate a small meal in candy.

On my Own.....

2009-07-21T15:54:00.000-07:00

So here I am I am not attached to any doctor, and even if I was I can not afford it . This past weekend I had a reasoning session with myself in front of a full length mirror, all I can say is yikes!!! I have let myself go!!! I know the hormones couldn't have helped and things but I have a chance to get the ball rolling again. Before we can start with treatments again we need insurance that will cover it, (we are basic basic insurance right now). So until then I am on my own. Which is fine. .... for now (insert evil laugh here).
I am taking this time to get healthy, and reintroducing myself to moi. I am not following really any type of diet I have however set up some rules for myself to follow which is :
1. Read and do something spiritually everyday that draws me closer to Heavenly Father.
2. Do something nice for Megs (my DD), Mark and myself everyday.
3.Exercise everyday...since its a 110 degrees outside daily this will involve wii fit, and swimming, hopefully later I will be confident enough to go to our little gym here in our neighborhood.
4. Reward Reward Reward, For every 10lbs lost I will reward myself with some great!
5. I refuse to deprive myself of foods I truly enjoy, so I will just find healthier recipes for the things I love and portion size everything.
6. keep a journal to keep my accountable, this is where the blog comes in. I am keeping myself accountable by writing my thoughts and feelings plus this help keep the emotions at bay.
I think that this is it for right now but there will be more to come as I go since this is my own "diet".
Here is my challenge to you, if you would like to join me maybe we can start a little group, who knows if there is enough I am willing to do a contest.... what do you think?

2009-06-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

So here is the deal, I just completed a cycle and guess what nothing. Although everything looked good aperatnley my endo came back. So thats it I am on break not because I want to but because we have no choice. Dh lost his job, so that means no insurance. My doc has already given me the cold shoulder, I am officaly done. Although this does give me the excuse to find a new doc the next time I can start. So I am on my own. Any suggestions? I think I will start by a blog make over. Then I will start on a self makeover. I need to lose weight, point blank end of story. Next time I start I want to be healthy I do everything on my part. I am super excited to be off hormones this will be my first time in a year that I have not had some hormone to take every night and morning. Yeah...
So as with everything a new adventure is about to begin...
Love
Tiff

2009-05-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

So I went to the doctor on Friday. He said that my Endo is back. Lovely! All I can think is more cycles just what my body needs. So this round I am back on clomid and fermera together. I am taking 100mg and 5 mg of the other. I can feel this time around, I have been so emotional lately, I feel so bad for those around me. I did find out some new information that I wished I would have known three cycle ago! Basically because I was on lupron for 6weeks it shut down my system and acted as though I was going through menopause. (this I knew) What I didn't know was it can take up to four cycles to get your body going again. This information would have saved me so much emotional energy!
The other big shock of the day, he was the most hopeful then ever on this visited. Which I kinda have to admit is freaking me out! Usually he always has a disclaimer so I am not to hopeful not this time though. I am so unsure how I am feeling right now. If this cycle doesn't work then I will be going on lupron again.

So here is the other kinda exciting news....my husband keeps bringing up adoption. We had talked about this option before we were married and were always opened to it, later in life. Life as many know can give you twist and this might be an option. His work will give us 5000 dollars towards the adoption and if went through the church it would pretty much cover it all. So I think we are going to start this process after we buy a house.

There is ALWAYS Something to look forward towards......

Love
Tiff

2009-04-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I didn't or haven't updated this blog in awhile. I guess it is because of heartbreak I just couldn't bear to write it down. I finally got to take my HCG shot for the first time and you know what? I didn't even ovulate! It made me so mad to know that this shot was worthless to my body. The Doc told me that by body does not respond to synthetic HCG so I have to by the real stuff. Who knows how much that will cost me.
The sad thing is both times I was convinced that I was preggers. My daughter has been asking for a baby brother, now that all of her friends have one. It breaks my heart to not know when this will happen for her. I keep telling her that Heavenly Father is going to help us, but to a three year old it must seem like eternity!
So the doc found another cyst last month and I had to go on Birth Control, maybe this is a god thing. I have been healthier this time around and even lost some weight hopefully this will all contribute to success. I have also been taking my pre-Natal's, Cinnamon pills and red raspberry pills. I hear those can really help when you ttc. So any way that is my fertility update. I am confidante that it will turn around soon.
Love you all and good luck

Tiff

PS
Saw this on another blog and thought that I would share.

2009-01-23T23:03:00.000-08:00

So today... I guess it is tomorrow now, I had not what I would call a good day; but a GREAT day!!! How did it start you ask? Will I woke up and cleaned, and then I waited in a doctors office for lets see two hours? Um yeah it was that long. But all in all the ultra sound went great and I have one Egg that is perfect, although he couldn't really see my other Ovary she was a little shy, but no matter I was given my first ever trigger shot! This is honestly amazing because I have had these shot since MAY of LAST YEAR! So to get to this little step has been truly amazing!
I just cannot contain myself..... I will be starting my first, after 2yrs Two WEEK WAIT!!!!

So that is my big news.... The other thing that I wanted to talk about was actually talking, when I am out and about with friends, I noticed something; people are kinda nervous to talk to me. Then I found out the reason they were curious of how things were going. It didn't bug me or anything I just wanted to tell people its ok to ask! I don't have a problem talking about my trial, for the first thing in some sick way it makes me feel better that people know there is a reason to my madness. The second is I would rather tell you then think there is a problem. I am not contagious, I answer questions just find in fact, I would rather you hear it from me then from other people because only I know the whole truth.
Well that is it, I am in bliss right now hoping that there is a bun in this oven. Thank Heavens for my SIL's wedding I sure hope this weeks flies, I am kinda nervous about the second one. I know I am probably going to break down and test early, I mean who can wait until the following Monday to find out blood test? ahh is this really happening?
Anyway thanks for your prayer and thoughts I love you all
Tiff

2009-01-22T08:41:00.001-08:00

Well tomorrow is the day...again. I am trying not to put so much hope that my little eggs have grown, but it hard not to. Why? Because there is a chance that maybe this could be it. I dunno, it has been a weird week it seems as though it should not be Thursday, it feels more like a Tuesday to me. This week has been so short. There is so much to do!
In a way though it has been nice because there is no room to think, about what could be and what could not be. I just wish I knew, I hate surprises, I have felt a little pain "down there"so I am hoping it is growing pains. If it is not at least I don't have waste a $132.00 shot.
I have been looking through some other infertility blogs and it seems as though over half of them were preggers! Isn't that great hope, they have been where I am now, and are where I want to be! I love back tracking, to were they first find out and to read the excitement that seeps through lines of their blogs. I hope to add more blogs on the side as I find them. There is great strength and comfort in numbers, and to know that we are not alone, is a powerful tool!
I am inspired, and I know that good news will be with me soon, maybe not as soon as I want, but soon enough.
I love you all!
More tomorrow after my Dr's apt....
Tiff

2009-01-20T16:03:00.001-08:00

Well I am finished with all the pills for this cycle. I feel a bit beaten up. The last pill I had to take cause alot of joint pain, headaches and moodiness. My poor family.I am sure I had made no since this last week. Last Friday was not as fun as I hope it would be, my eggs were not large enough to be giving the HCG shot. We now have to wait until Friday to see if this week is our week to receive the shot. I have now gone to the Doctors every Friday for the last month. I think I have since my insides (through Ultra Sound) more then most. This past weekend was hard, so many new people are pregnant, and its not that I am not happy for them because I truly am it goes past that, it is as though there is a club and I cannot get in, no matter how hard I try. Enough of that. Hopefully my little eggs will grow big and strong. Do you think Mark would look at me weird if I asked him to give them a little encouraging words through out the week? Hmm I might try to convince him. All in in all this is another busy week, I have two showers on Saturday a baby one and a wedding. I am looking forward to both... I hope to have good news by then!
I hope you weeks are going well I wish I had something more encouraging to say. But I know that if you are going through this as well you know that this trial has is hard and it take a few tears to get through every now and then.
I hope to get to write latter this week !
Love you all
Tiff

2009-01-16T21:02:00.000-08:00

Today was a hard day. Just a quick update.... I ended my Lupron Shots two weeks ago, and the last week I have been taking both Clomid and Femara. Today I was suppose to get my trigger shot. I didn't, my eggs are not big enough. My RE wants to wait and see if they grow bigger. I pray they do. There is something in my gut that is telling me this is our month. I can't help but question myself though I thought I would be pregnant by October. I have faith, and that is such a comfort, but I can't help but break down....maybe its the hormones. That is one blessing the hormones really don't let me hold anything in.
The pain is raw, I feel as though the wind has been knocked out me. I have tried to keep myself busy I baked bread, whipped up some Turkey Salad, and cleaned my house. I really haven't felt emotional until I had a quiet moment where the question came in my head, when? I will not let my hope die, I still have a chance for this month. This is the way I feel and I might be completely wrong but as soon as I let my faith drown and my hope die then this trial has won. (I am way to competitive for that ;) ) Venting is good for the soul it lets you get everything out so nothing is left to grow in to bitterness and hatred. I am so grateful I have place like this to do that very thing.
Nobody said this path would be easy, but I am so grateful that I have the comfort of my Father in Heaven. In the DR's office even though it hurt I was at peace at comforted. I think it is important to still feel this pain, I learned along time ago it is not selfish deed to let yourself feel. It makes you stronger and very aware of the blessing we have.
Thank you all for being a great blessing to me.
Tiff

Story time.....

2008-12-11T08:08:00.000-08:00

After a very sweet email I received this morning; I deiced that it it time, that I share with the world me story, of how I arrived to where I am now. It all started two years ago in July, when Mark and I deiced it was time, I so happened to go to the DR for my annual, ( isn't that the best?) I informed him that I was trying to conceive (ttc) his answer to me was call me when you get pregnant. Will I had to see him several times over 18months for I have a history of cyst on my ovaries and since they tend to hurt we would check the size, and make sure I was not having a ectopic pregnancy stuff like that. After about a year of continuously seeing my doctor I was up for my regular apt. at which time he asked if I wanted a hpt test I said yes knowing I was not pregnant since by this time I was test addicted. (Yes I would stalk up and test once a week) Will to my surprise the doctor came back and told me I was Pregnant. I shot up and said are you sure? The nurse assured me and told me she even tested me twice. So as you can guess I was over joyed! I told Mark and we just beamed as a family would. Will I went to get my blood drawn, and the next day I got a phone call.
Dr. X: Mrs Johnson?
Me: Yes
Dr. X : How are you doing?
Me: Great!
Dr X: I have some great news, your NOT pregnant!
Me: What?
Dr X: We thought you would be excited to know you are not pregnant.
Me: But we have been trying for over a year, how is this great?
Dr X: hmm, will you are young call me when you get that positive
Me: Are you sure there is nothing wrong with me, ( I have been asking this for a year now)
Dr X: No no its probably just chemicals you will get pregnant.
Me: oh will thank you
DrX: Have a great day, bye

WHAT THE HECK! Will after this conversation, a second look (at another DR'S where I didn't feel comfortable at all) and then going back only to be reassured nothing is wrong, I went to another Dr, who specializes in fertility. This is the best experience I could have ever done! The doctor listened to me, and all my symptoms, and then he not a tech did an ultra sound. He discovered a few things that blood test later confirmed, I have PCOS and I have not ovulated in two years. After that drs appointment I was angry at two people, the other Doc and me. The evidence was all there, why couldn't he see it? and I knew something was wrong why did I wait? I don't blame my old doctor, he just wasn't there in his knowledge. He is a very good doctor he just wasn't up for the challenge. I also can't blame myself, I was in denial. I mean I have a 3yr old that got here with a blink. Plus I wasn't ready to go through what I am going through now.
Isn't timing an amazing thing? It took an experience that I must say made me a bit stronger, and gave me an important lesson, which is I know my body better then anyone. I know when something is wrong, and if I am confused all I have to do is hit my knees and confirm it. That's it! It may have took me a while but I think and pray I got it! We are now moving forward, how exciting is that? Through all the little road blocks, there is a plan, and a goal. I am moving, sometimes the plan has changed but I am getting there. Let me ask you, doesn't it just feel nice to move towards something? For me it always hurt more when I was standing still. I suppose it is like that in all aspects of life.
Will thanks for listening to me ramble!
I love your comments and emails! If you have any questions or just wanna chat feel free!
Love to you all
Tiff

It has been one of those days!

2008-12-10T22:33:00.000-08:00

Well the hormones I think has gone to my brain since my emotions have been all over!
My mom made the comment of, its kinda like you pregnant. Haha, I wish! At least at the end of that I would have a real baby! At the end of this, I will only have a chance. That's where my determination has come in. There is a chance, and with that there is faith.
So many thoughts have run in my head lately it is so hard to keep track! Ohhh and I forgot I am having the weirdest dreams is anyone else with me on this? The other night I had a dream that I was on the Today show! Yes little ole me, you would never guess what the title was....( I will give you some time to get creative)....no that's not it,...... not that either....... Ok since you twisted my arm I will tell you, Women gives Birth to Litter! Oh my what would we do then?
I have thought about this, actually alot. What if there is more then one? I mean there are these risks. I found a forum (and Amber if you read this, don't laugh...to hard) where women order fertility drugs over the Internet just so they could have twins! ( Amber I know that you are laughing, but I swear I saw it and it is true) Ok, now this is extreme and I would never ever recommend doing this. I believe that these drugs are here to help us, who are not all healthy in the reproductive area. I could never imagine undergoing fertility if I was healthy. Now I am not criticizing these women, it is just hard for me to fathom why? I have a hard time on my own, so I am in a different place. I just think if it ain't broke why fix it?
The reason I added my dearest friend Amber is because she has twins. She is also a rock for me as she has gone through trials of her own to become a mom. She just had triplets, pick up your jaw you heard me right. Twins + Triplets. If you ever have the chance to meet her look close, she has a super women cape under her shirt. I know she was chosen, because she can handle it. She really is amazing.
Ahh I digress. What would I do if there was more then one, or even two? Will first I think and would like to hope that I would feel Blessed. Then like most I assume (except Amber) I would feel overwhelmed. Then I would make it work, and make sure all were loved.
The world of fertility is a scary field. There is so much to it; that it can be overwhelming. Heartache is also there. Most important there are life lessons! Today I cried. I cried alot, emotions are tools that I feel like sometimes can be turned against you. It wasn't the day I wanted. What can be done? Tomorrow I have a chance to be happy. Only if I allow it. Infertility isn't my life, it's a challenge. I will win, but in the mean time battle or no battle I am a mother. It seems strange to me that through all of this I still have bad days. I suppose if it wasn't this it would be something else.
Have you ever read the Screw Tape Letters? It a great book by C.S. Lewis. In it are two demons communicating trying to turn people to their side. In it there is a conversation where (ohh I wish I could remember their names...It has been one of those days) the master is writing the apprentice. The Apprentice has just let the man go to church and thinks it is unwise. The all knowing master on the other hand knows better. He tells him to let him continue going to church just start to point things out. Like the women who sing off key, the smell of you neighbor, and so on. What dose this have to do with infertility? Alot! Basically this happens so that the man will not feel the spirit the apprentice distracts him; so that he will nit pick.
Here is my question, how many of us do this? If only I didn't do this, or that; then I wouldn't have this! Will here is a reality check and I am sorry if this sounds a bit crude, you have a problem but the more you dwindle on what you did a billion years ago the more you lose focus on what is important. You are a strong women, look at what you are going through? Do you think perfect Patty down the street can handle this? NO! she can't and I will tell you why, you are you. Everything in your life that has gone wrong has made you the women you are today. Think about it; how many times did you make a mistake. Does it matter? no the only time the mistake really matters is when you learned from it enough not to repeat it. Once you have done that, my friend; you have conquer it. It has become a trophy, that launched you to the next square. Be proud of yourself... after all you are an amazing person created in the likeness of your Heavenly Father.
Why am I writing this? because I have noticed, me included that we think infertility is our fault that we did something to deserve the pain associated with it. Let me tell you something that train of thought is dangerous. We can't compete with perfect. We can however hold up heads and face this challenge, take pride at how Strong we are to go through it, let me tell you not everyone can handle it. You my friends are amazing, together we can go through anything, but before I sign off for tonight let me leave with this thought.
It is ok to feel the pain, it is ok to hurt, to cry, to even get angry. It only is dangerous when we hold on. I strongly believe not all emotions are meant to be carried as weights. A good cry can help, even if it happens more then you would like. Holding on to pain will only trap the person you want to be, try to find the emotions that let you float, that way when you seem to be weighed down..(don't worry it happens to everyone) you will have a life line that will pull you back up.
I really want to hear from you, I promise to respond to everyone who leaves a comment. Questions are always welcomed.
It does it hurt, I know ( I am feeling the pain right now) it's hard when it seems everyday is a battle. Does it have to be though?
Love you all!
Tiff

Lupron shots, and joy oh joy!

2008-12-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

So just gave my self my shot for the evening, I get so nervous as to wither I am taking the right amount. It just seems like there is so much left in the bottle. I should be done with my first two weeks of shot on Thursday morning. After that? Another 2 weeks. I have six in total of which I will go on fermera and Clomid, yes pick up your jaw I will be going on both. After which I will receive a trigger shot just to make sure I ovulate. I am so nervous and so excited at the same time.
Every Thanksgiving my mom puts out a table cloth on which we write what we are thankful for this year. The only thing I wrote was Moving Forward. Mark and I began ttc July of 2006 it wasn't until May of 2007 that I deiced it was time to seek help. So in a way in May I deiced to move forward.
Today I decided to move forward as in no longer making my emotions a burden. I deiced to share them in hopes that I will heal. I know that I will get pregnant. I also know that in order to receive blessing, I must be prepared to have them. I don't think that me keeping everything in is the right format for this, do you agree? If I have to go through many years of this I will find joy, there are so many blessing around me; that it would be ungrateful to focus on just this one thing.

I hope this process will help me become closer to my Savior and my Heavenly Father. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I was given this hurtle because I can get through it, my Father in Heaven knows that I can, if I couldn't he would not have given it to me. He knows me so well that I feel blessed. I was talking to my grandmother the other day and we talk about my membership into the church, would I be able to get through this? Probably, but at what cost? I have already spent so much emotional time on this, it is a battle and it is painful! But I have something that I will always hold dear and that is the comfort of the spirit given to me by my Father in Heaven. I can't even think how much it would hurt without that.
Sorry I am getting a little worked up, let me get a drink.... ok I am better now. Lets play a game let call it The Blessing Game. I challenge all who read this at the end of one of their post during the week to come up with five blessing that you wouldn't have had if you weren't going through this! Can you do it? I bet you can, I'll start.
1. I have become aware how blessed I am to have Megs she is my first Miracle.
2. I love my family and because of this I now know that they have saved me from myself more then they will ever know.
3. I am thankful I am able to enjoy little moments more, so important not to let life past you by while little savory moments are everywhere!
4. I am thankful for Amber and Rachel, Amber has gone through this and Rachel although hasn't had to ( Thank Goodness) go through this she has had some experiences similar. They both are truly inspirations to me and when I grow up I hope I adapt some of their traits.
5. I am thankful my hubby can be a rock and handle my emotional out pouring I know it has to be so hard on him but he lets me have all the breakdowns.
Ok now its your turn after the second one it becomes easy! After your done you will feel amazing trust me!
Let me know if you did!
Tiff

First post!

2008-12-09T13:25:00.000-08:00

I am starting this blog based on prayer. Infertility is hard, painful, and emotional. I never thought that I would be one of thousands dealing with this. I never thought it would consume so much of my thoughts. But here we are. This is a journey, it will have a happy ending. You may ask how do I know? Will it is all on faith and trust. I strongly believe that I am the only one who can control how I look at things. Sometimes I think to myself how I wish this was over, I am sure we all do. The only way to get through it is to go through it.
At the begging I said that this was started through prayer, why? I needed an outlet to get out all the things that consume me. So I can get back into physical, mental and spiritual shape. I don't know about you, but I can no longer bottle this up. The more I shove into this tiny bottle the more I lose myself. I am ready to heal, so that I can be healed.
There are so many lesson that we can learn from each other. We each need a Cheering section. If you are reading this because you to are suffering from longing, then we are uniquely bonded. Let us go through this together as only people who know can. Let us be there for each other. If you are reading this to try and understand, thank you. We need you too.
I will be back soon I hope we all can become friends!
I may not know you, but I want to .
Tiffany